Changes

A lot of things seem to be changing....some for the good, and some not. For one, I feel I am doing better emotionally. I am not so on the edge these last few days. I feel I have gotten some margin back. So...a good change from the previous weeks.

But Kenny...he is changing too. I see him getting tired. Very tired. His eyes can be wide open and his body jerks like you do when you are falling asleep. He does it all the time...wide awake...but falling asleep. He naps often, and even when he is up I can see how tired he is. His voice is turning quivery. He is quieter. He has been talking in his sleep this past week and has had some dreams that leave him confused. It takes him a bit to realize what was a dream and what is real.

After the weekend with his friend Lee, he was completely wiped out. On Monday Marquita said he was falling asleep during his shower. I asked him if it was too much...visitors....too long a visit perhaps....but he said "no"...he likes to visit. He said it's not too bad to be tired....especially when he can just go to sleep. Well...that is good because we have a whole slew of visitors coming up.

Speaking of visitors....one of Kenny's fraternity brothers came to visit for the day yesterday. Just a few hours really, but we gave him the grand tour. Started at lunch in Monterey and then PG, Pebble Beach, Carmel. A beautiful day and a good one to be out in. Jeff was great to get to know (he is married to Joan Lundin!) and seemed to really care and want to help if need be. Good guy. Kenny has some great fraternity brothers for sure.

Just another Sunday

I ended up going to the doctor on Thursday. She was recommended to me from Ken's hospice nurse. I wanted to walk in and get a prescription for something to make me feel better but she had me go through a whole bunch of other physical testing too. Blood tests. Two week follow-up. "Just give me the pills"! I came home with a two week sample and hemmed and hawed to Kenny as to whether I was really going to do it or not. Right about the time I was having another melt down Kenny had me take a pill right then and there. Poor Kenny. He is not a "pill guy" so I know he probably is looking for some relief of his own.

It is Sunday, so I have only been taking this pill since Thursday, but I will say this....I DO feel calmer. I usually dread going to church on Sunday mornings because we are always late and I am totally stressed walking out of our door. I usually am in tears driving there, and the whole service is spent either battling tears or just decompressing from a stressful morning. Anyway....today...no tears! No stress really. We were 20 minutes late...no problem. We'll get there when we get there. Hey...I like this! The truth is I have many calm moments in the course of a week....just less and less. So, time will tell ultimately if this is going to make a difference. All I know is...today I think it did.

Feeling Selfish

This is getting hard. Caregiving. As much as I love Kenny, it does not make it any easier at times getting up from a dead sleep and helping him pee. Last night, bed by 11. Up once to get him a drink of water, then another time to pee. All in an hours time. Up again at 2:30. Again, 7:10. I wanted to just stay in bed forever today....getting up means facing it all over again. But then there was the 9:15 pee time and I realized I cannot sleep my life away. From that moment, Ken is up, and life as his caregiver begins. Or should I say continues.

I hope and pray I can do this well. At times I feel so utterly selfish in that I want MY life to be normal when here I have a dying husband beside me. Ken says he thinks it is equally hard...our two lots in life....but I think if I was in his shoes I would be totally miserable to be around. He is sweet, sweet, sweet.

I sometimes think a little help from a little pill would be nice. Just something to calm me. I cry so easily these days. My sister thinks I am "nervous, and you've never been nervous before". I know I am. But the thought of medicating myself? I think this won't work but maybe it is worth a try. I know I am depressed. I am still in my PJ's and it is 2:30. This is becoming normal for me.

My world is getting small and smaller. Things I love to do, I do less and less. I have kept one thing somewhat consistent and that is seeing Dixie. I ride her a couple of times a week, but see her almost every day. I didn't go yesterday...it rained all day. Today too, but maybe i can get it together and go see her. She is not a burden...not something I "have" to do. She is a joy I hold on to. It is just sometimes I get hunkered down in the house and want to stay.

I daydream about my future. I mostly don't see myself going back to those things I love. (like cooking, or gardening, or setting a fine table....) I mostly see myself as some sorry, sad individual who rides a horse. Alone. I see myself alone most of the time. To work up the umph for a true, honestly good relationship again sounds almost appalling to me. Sometimes I see things differently. I imagine another man in my life....healthy and strong and one who adores me like Kenny adores me. I live in a nice house and ride a nice horse. I cook meals and entertain. I sip wine on warm evenings outside looking over a beautiful something. I find solace in these thoughts sometimes but I also feel the need to stay in the here and now. THIS is my life. THIS is where I need to stay.

Life

Well...here we are in the middle of March. I can hardly believe how the time is racing by. In the beginning of December, the doctor told us Kenny had about 6 months. We are halfway there if her prediction is correct. Kenny says we will celebrate our second anniversary which is September 3rd. Of course I would like to believe that...but then again I don't.

Things are definitely getting harder for me. Ken is having difficulty doing much on his own anymore. He can still drive his wheelchair, and urinate in the toilet, but other than that he needs my assistance for everything. From the time he wakes up in the morning, I am "on" and I have to admit that most mornings when I hear "sweetheart"!, I cringe. Like..."here we go". I hate that I feel that way so often. I hate being short with him and for the most part I think I have been cheerful and sweet. But not always and I know he must feel it. I never want to be that way. I love this man. I want to keep loving this man. "Lord, I need Your help"!

Days

The days seem to be getting harder, or at least lately they have been. Hopefully things will change and it won't be so hard too much longer. I know that seems to be how life itself is. Some times are really tough, but they don't stay that way. And if you're happy and on easy street....hang on...it's coming!

Poor Kenny. He is so sweet and tries so hard to keep me happy. Yesterday was Saturday and we were offered tickets to the AT&T. Ken is (was) a golfer, so he thought he would enjoy it. He usually goes every year since we live right here. Anyway, I so wanted our friend who offered the tickets to just take him and let me have some alone time at the house. But no...we all went and I struggled all day yesterday. I think I was overwhelmed with the thought that when things get really rough I am going to be "it".....that no one else will be able or willing to step up and help me out in the ways I really need help.

....and another

Another difficult day. Started out on the wrong foot. Ken got up soon after I did and I felt I didn't get that "alone time" I need in the morning. It just went down from there. I think the truth is, I need some alone time. I need regroup time. I need ME for awhile!

OK....I am better now. Tonight, another night of TV watching.

Resentful

Yesterday was a bit stressful for me. Just getting "peopled out" mainly, but we were having a Superbowl party and I really needed to keep going even if I did get a bit moody. Ken's sister is visiting (love her) and so we have been engaged, which followed a pretty busy week with other "people encounters". Ken loves it, but I find myself needing alone time and space in order to regroup. I get drained, moody and......resentful?

I was thinking/praying about that this morning. Am I feeling resentful here? I thought yes...fleeting....but yes. And I don't want to. No. There is no reason for it....or should I say there is no place to direct it. I can't be resentful toward Kenny....the sweetest man I know....no, I cannot be resentful toward him. He didn't ask for ALS. He is going through this tough road with flying colors and no complaints. How could I hold resentment toward him? God? No...I have never been one to get mad or resentful toward God. He has been nothing but good and loving toward me. He knows me and always has my best in mind. Do I always like the path I am on? No...but even still, I cannot be resentful toward Him. And so...I think I have no room to let resentment abide in my heart. I see it fleetingly, but I will not, by God's grace, let it land. It saddens me that this has even come up....but then I think....this is pretty normal....don't let it get you down.