Friday

The night Kenny died I went to my son's house and hung out with the family. I am so blessed to have such great, supportive kids. On Wednesday, I only left the house to run to the bank and hug my leased horse. Then home....alone....the way I wanted it. I really didn't feel too alone though, I have never talked on the phone so much in my life. Then yesterday....home all day...again alone by choice, and then dinner at my daughter's house.

Today I decided to actually get dressed and go out. I chose to have lunch with a group of friends here in Carmel Valley. This is the same group that Kenny has been having lunch with for months now. Every Friday. Occasionally I would join them, but I usually saw it as an opportunity to run some errands while Kenny was safe in the company of others. I wanted to go today. I felt it was important as this group wanted to express their love and support to me and talk about the wonderful person Kenny was. It was good for them and for me.

And now, it is Friday night and I am alone again. I had a call to join some friends for a baseball game and dinner, but no, I want to be home. This place was so special for Kenny and I and for me it is a sanctuary. Of course it is missing something. It is missing the one I have loved with my whole heart, mind and soul. And although I will always love him and miss him, I will forever find comfort in the fact that our love was special, and real, and strong. Nothing, not even death can take that away. It is mine to hold on to, and cling to, and cherish for the rest of my life.

Day Two

I still can hardly believe it. My Kenny. Gone. I knew of course it was coming. We all did. But it doesn't make the final good-bye any easier and I find myself living in that place of limbo with overwhelming sadness that he is actually gone, and a place of relief that he is....well...gone. As I crawled in bed last night I was wondering...."what is that feeling I feel?" and I took the time to figure it out. It had all the markings of relief, and as I gave it some thought I knew that what I was experiencing was a deep satisfaction that we did it. Kenny and I. We made it through this journey together, and even though it was hard, it did not destroy us. Our love was intact until the end.

An old friend of Kenny's sent me an email, and before I lose the words that were so beautifully written and so very encouraging, I wanted to record them here. (thank you Chris!)

I can only imagine what it is like to be in your shoes tonight. You have lost the love of your life, a good man whom you shepherded through a difficult illness. And you did it with grace and honesty and strength. My heart goes out to you.

But here is what I know. As the days and months unfold from here, you -- unlike so many people in the world -- know what true love really means. Very few people are privileged in that way. And while Ken has taught us all about dying with courage, you have taught us about living with the same courage.

May 24th

It's Tuesday, May 24th, and the love of my life died today. A piece of me died too. I will love him forever and ever.

Landlord

Our landlord called day before yesterday asking if she could show our place to potential buyers. It sort of came out of the blue. She really has not been in the role of landlord though....she actually owns the place. We are in the guesthouse and the couple in the main house (renters too) have been the go between and have done all the landlord (ish) things. I had asked the go betweens a couple of months ago if they could talk to the owner and see if I might do a month to month rather than sign on for another year lease. It is a pricey guesthouse for just me and I thought I would find a smaller, cheaper place when the time was right. She said no. Obviously we would not be moving in our current state, and since the lease signing is June 1st, it looked like I would be here for another year. So...when I got the call, I thought this might not be the case...that I might be able to do month to month after all...or...we might have to move sooner than we wanted to...or...well....just a question mark on the matter.

So I said, sure, come over. That would be yesterday. And then I remembered that I had a cat. I think our lease says no pets, but at one point about a year ago we were having an outdoor rat problem (country life) and the question came up of getting a cat. "No"...owner said. Then...."yes...I suppose that would be ok". Well, I didn't want a cat anyway so we didn't give it much thought, but recently when I did want a cat I talked to the go betweens just to make sure that was what the owner had said. "Yes...she said it would be ok....would you like me to call her and confirm?" No...no.... So we got our cat and I felt it was just fine. But I wasn't really ready for the owner to know about that, especially since kitty is not really the 'live outdoors and eat rats" kind of a cat. She is actually an 'indoor sleep on our bed' kind of cat. I wasn't sure if that fine line would make a difference, so I did what any deceitful person would do. I took the scratching post and put it in the van. I hid the litter box behind a basket. I covered the cat food bag with a towel. I put the food bowls in a drawer. And just in time, put poor little Tiger Lily in her carrier and placed her in the car. Ahhhh! No sign of a cat anywhere.

They came through, and fortunately for me, Ken was sleeping in the hospital bed. It made their visit brief and I think they may have felt a little awkward. The owner seemed very pleased with how the place looked and thanked me for letting them come by, and then she looked at me and said "you are so kind". Yes, I am so kind. I have just gone to great measures to deceive you. I have a cat in the car meowing most likely and I hope you leave before she blows my cover. I watched as the three made it up the hill, then grabbed kitty and put everything back in it's place.

I got a call from her this morning. She wanted to let me know that she would let me go month to month. She understood that I really don't know what is next for me and that going month to month would give me more freedom. I am really glad about that because I really don't know what I want to do but at least I now have options. I thanked her very much for her understanding of this difficult situation.... truly the tables have now turned and I am grateful for her decision....yes, thankful, for she has been kind too.

Hard Times

I always knew there were going to be harder times ahead. Even though I have gone through some of the hardest months of my life, I always knew the worst was yet to come. I think I am just about there. I feel like I am really losing my husband now. His mind continues to play tricks on him and I have a hard time sitting and listening to the craziness. It is not just the waking moments after dreaming that he has a hard time deciphering....but now it is all the time. We can be sitting at lunch and the majority of the conversation will be Kenny still sifting through a dream he had and trying to grasp whether is was true or not. I often get asked "that doesn't ring a bell to you?" as he is telling me some strange thing, fully expecting me to know all about it because I was 'there' too.

Last night we were in bed no more than a half hour and he was already starting in on his mumbling. Then "you're awfully close to me"....(gee...we always spoon....what's the problem?!) "am I too close"?...."yeah".....so I move away from him and then he started telling me that I was like a suction cup sucking back his head and shoulders. Then he wanted me to go turn off the computers in the house because they were doing some strange thing I know not, but I humored him and turned them off. All the while I was pretty frustrated and even threatened to sleep in the other room. I figured if I was sucking the life out of this guy I would do us both a favor. I didn't go. So....I spent the night, putting his legs back in bed and listening to his ongoing dialogues.

We still have good times too. Last night we met with friends for dinner. Kenny is so quiet though. He rarely speaks. Of course we all understand and no one feels like "what's wrong with Kenny". We know. Speaking of friends, I was telling Kenny the other night that I have been feeling like some of the friends that have been around us are not around us as much now. He had a good analogy in that it is similar to a basketball game. As the game is going on, everyone feels free to take a shot whenever they feel they may have a chance. But when the game is in the final minute and there is a tie, taking a shot means a whole lot more and some of those who would take the risk earlier, won't take it in the end. We are in the final round...the last few minutes of the game....we are nearing the end and I know it can be uncomfortable for some, and others just don't know what to do or say. So the safest place is to stay at a distance. I understand, I really do. This is one finale I cannot distance myself from even though at times I would like to. I am front and center and must stay in the game to the end. I want to make the winning shot. I want to finish this one well.

A New Twist on Dreams

I woke up this morning feeling super refreshed. I actually fell asleep watching TV last night, then once in bed, out like a light. I woke up knowing I had slept the entire night without waking up once. I was even able to linger in bed for awhile before getting up. Very, very nice. VERY nice.

Then Kenny asked me about my dreams. "No....I don't think I had any". He told me that HE had a dream that I was telling him about MY dream. It was a pretty crazy dream apparently and I kept him up all night telling him about it. Kenny didn't talk in his sleep last night which is one reason why I slept so well. He said he was listening to me and I was going on and on about my dream and basically driving him nuts. We both chuckle...."just getting a little of your own medicine, that's all".

Hmmm..... I think we may be on to something....

Caregiver

I don't think I make a very good caregiver. I really don't like flossing other people's teeth and a lot of other things I won't mention. It's really hard for me, and at times I can get a little queasy. I don't like shooting out of bed with "sweetheart, can you get me up" and being "on" before I even get a cup of coffee. Kenny used to sleep until 9 or 9:30 and I liked that. I could get up at a decent hour and still have a couple of hours to myself before he got up. But not now....crack of dawn and he is wanting up. He also wants to stay up until midnight, and with his talking half the night I almost always feel like I am just not quite cutting it with a good night sleep. When he does get up early, he more than not starts talking about his crazy dreams and frankly there are times I really don't want to hear about them. "I WANT TO SLEEP!" But I listen, and try to help him decipher what is real and what is not. He asked me to do this for him, otherwise he gets sort of obsessed with his dreams. Only when he comes to a full understanding that it truly was just a dream can he give it a rest. I have seen him go to the computer to try and figure out some crazy idea he is sure must be true. Poor guy....his brain is getting affected by carbon dioxide poisoning.

I think of that song "he ain't heavy, he's my brother".....and I wish I could think like that ALL the time. Kenny is so amazing, such a great person, such a love, but I have to say that sometimes he can be a load. But not for long. There are just days, or moments when it feels like that. When I feel tired and I don't want to floss teeth, or change his clothes, feed him, or move him from the chair to the couch, or..... yes....there are times where he feels heavy. But it doesn't take long before the love he so willingly gives me comes shining through and I cannot help but love him back.

We laugh too at some of the silly things he "sees". Yesterday as we were driving home from church he was dosing and then I noticed he was looking down as though he was looking for something. "What are you looking for"?...."Oh...he was asking for a receipt or something"...."who is 'he'"?....."oh, some little troll". Well...couldn't help laugh out loud with that one. Kenny just smiled feeling somewhat satisfied that I found it so amusing and that he, in some strange way, brought a huge smile to my face.