Happy Birthday Kenny 1960 - 2011

Today is Kenny's birthday....he would have been 52. Such a young life, but as he would say, such a full life. He told me before he died that he felt he had lived a very wonderful life and had accomplished everything he had hoped to. The only thing he was still wanting was more time with me. Of course, that was not to be, but for the time we did have, we were both so grateful. Happy Birthday Kenny!

1961

1969

1979

2009

(sigh...)

Dating.....

Ok...so I have been on a few dates lately. I have even met some really nice guys. But what happens to me, after I come back from a date, is I miss Kenny all the more. It almost seems like the nicer the guy, the harder the hurt. I can only think that must be so, because here I am, out with a truly great guy and....no...he can't even come close to the person I had before.

I really do wonder if there could ever be another. I have always thought so, but at times I have my doubts. I remember talking with Kenny about this when we knew he was going to be leaving me. "I don't know if anyone could love me like you do," I told him through my tears. And he responded something to me that I will always remember and have always held close...."you can teach someone else to love you, just like you taught me to love you". He went on to explain that, yes, he loved me, but he was motivated to find out how to love me in the way I needed him to love me. Apparently I taught him well, for I was loved beyond anything I could have ever even hoped for.

Kenny was an amazing man and he left some pretty big shoes to fill, but I have often thought it will not be the person himself I will be comparing. Kenny is Kenny, and to compare anyone to him would be completely unfair and totally unproductive. If I choose to do that I may as well accept the fact that I will  live the rest of my life alone. No, what I will be comparing is how this person makes me feel. Kenny made me feel completely loved....adored....safe....and happy. That is what I know I need, and if it is not there in the same measure, then I will have to conclude that person is not for me. I cannot, will not, must not settle for less. It would not be fair to me nor to him. And another thought I have had lately, taking this a bit further, is not only do I need to feel loved, but do I feel I can give love in the same measure that I gave to Kenny. I felt completely and totally abandoned to him. No reservations, no holding back. I want and need that too....and the truth is that one may be the more difficult one to come by.

And so....I have another man on the line....waiting for my answer on a date number two. No....I don't want to go.....and I have to do what I hate to do and explain that I am not interested in taking this any farther. I suppose for now I need to conclude that I am just not ready.  I really do believe I will find love  again someday, but for now I think the choice has been made. As much as I may have thought I was ready to move on, I believe I will just have to linger here awhile longer.....

A Year and a Half

When Kenny was in the earlier stages of ALS we went to our local hospital for him to get fitted for a hand brace in the occupational therapy department. While he was getting fitted and chatting with the OT, another OT came over and introduced herself. She overheard us talking and told us that her husband, who also lives in Carmel Valley, also had ALS. He was in the latter stages she told us, and gave us her card....."if there is anything I can do to help". On other visits to the OT we would talk with Amy and got to know her situation more. And then one day we heard he died.

Kenny and I were driving around CV one sunny, Sunday afternoon, and noticed a large gathering of people barbecuing at the local park. We knew it was a gathering, a celebration really, honoring the life of this man we had never met, yet somehow felt a connection to. We stopped and immediately Amy came over to us. We almost felt like celebrities as she dragged us around and introduced us to all her friends, informing them that Kenny also had ALS. I felt a little awkward when we first got out of the car to join this group of people that we really didn't know, but when we left I knew that the time spent was important for Amy, and for us too.

I have spoken with Amy a few times since that day. I believe it was our last conversation, one that occurred not too long after Kenny died, that she said "....it took me about a year and a half, and then I was OK".  I remember at the time thinking that a year and a half seemed like a long time, but now that I am here I see that is not the case. It is strange really....because it seems like almost yesterday that he was here.... and yet it seems like a lifetime ago....and both at the same time.

I am not sure if I am "OK" but I would like to think I am. I still cry...yes. I have my moments. But they are moments now....not days. And I find that I am looking ahead more than I am looking behind. I probably shouldn't think this way, but I sometimes wonder if my best days are behind me. Perhaps that is so....but they were the greatest of days.

My Life Saver

I have a life saver and his name is Red. I don't know how I would have gone through this past year without my Kenny had it not been for him. From the moment I got him I loved him. We bonded. We became a pair. He needed me and I most certainly needed him.  He knows the sound of my car and even before I park he is at the fence waiting for me, ears perked, ready to go.

I have had Red (aka: Red Hot Command) for just over a year. I board him at a trainers facility where I am in partial training. Although I rode as a kid and knew the basics, I was clueless in the kind of riding that I wanted to do, which is Ranch Versatility. Ranch Versatility is basically an event which shows off what a good ranch horse can do. This would include things like a trail course, reining patterns, boxing and cutting cows, roping....etc. Red is a finished reined cow horse, so he is really, really good with cows. I on the other hand am having to learn. I am getting braver. It can be intimidating running your horse along side a cow and keeping it from getting past you. "I'm afraid I am going to crash Red into the fence" (!!!) I would tell my trainer and she has assured me that he knows better....he can stop before that happens. So I am learning to let go....to kick up the speed....to trust.

I've been in several competitions over the spring and summer and all in all feel we did really well as first timers. It has given me something to work at.... to focus on....to do. These coming months will be spent getting ready for the next years events. There are a lot of things to work on in the days ahead and I will enjoy every minute of it. And most certainly I will love my horse and he will love me back. And that, in a nutshell, is all that really matters.

Lehigh University

Last weekend I went to a dedication in Kenny's honor at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where he graduated from college. The college is old and grand and very much "East Coast".  Kenny was not only tremendously smart, but he was also highly athletic and played two varsity sports throughout college....football and track and field. He broke the decathlon record back in 1983 and it has never been broken since. His Chi Psi brothers had decided to raise money for a new "Ken Jones Records Board" to be placed in the newly refurbished indoor track and field house....a board which would display all the records which Lehigh held in track and field.  The dedication and ribbon cutting of the new field house and the display of the new records board was last weekend, and I, along with another two hundred people attended. His family was there, fraternity brothers, friends, coaches, etc.

It was a crisp fall morning, and before the ribbon cutting a brunch was held in the outdoor pavilion. As I was walking up I felt the emotion rising, I felt the tears wanting to come full force. This was for "him". This gathering of people, this festive yet somewhat somber event. I found his mother in whom I had not seen since Kenny's memorial service although I talk with her often on the phone. His sister, niece, and friends that I had met before. It was good to be there in the company of people who knew my Kenny and loved him dearly. From there we went to the door of the new field house where I, along with his old coach and a fraternity brother cut the ribbon. We filed into the large building and gathered under the huge records board. There we had a short presentation and words were spoken about Kenny. Next to the board off to the side, was a smaller board with a picture of Kenny, date of birth and death, and a bio of his life. What an accomplished man he was.

From there we went to the early afternoon Lehigh football game and then on to Kenny's old frat house for a reception party. It was here that I mingled among his old fraternity brothers and their wives, most of whom I had met before. His sister had thrown a party with all of them just days before Kenny had to move into his wheelchair, so my first meeting with all of them was then. I loved hearing story after story about him that I had not heard before....still getting to know my Kenny. "It's not because he is gone from us that we say all these wonderful things about him....he was truly wonderful and humble even back then and we really, really loved him", was the gist of many conversations.

It was great being there. And the tearful emotion that overtook me in the beginning had moved on to a joyful, happy, and heartwarming emotion. I felt proud that I had known this man. And not only did I know him, but I was loved by him. This man with all his amazing accomplishments and great successes in life had chosen me to be his life partner. Someone said to me, and I can't remember who, that of all the great things Kenny had in this life, I was what mattered most to him. I actually really do believe that....because he told me so himself.

Anniversary

Today would have been Kenny and my third anniversary. We only celebrated our first, he was gone before the second, and now, another year. I can hardly believe it. It has now been just over 15 months since Kenny left.

 I remember April 2011, about a month before Kenny died and he said, "I think I am going to be here for our second anniversary". I wish I could say I was thrilled for his optimism and truly hoped he would be here in September, but the awful truth is I shuddered at the thought. I was worried that I would not be able to take care of Kenny in the end. Afraid I would not have the strength to get him out of bed, move him to his wheelchair, help him in all the ways he needed my help. Afraid the stress and my nerves would fail me and I would somehow lash out at Kenny and make him feel like a burden. I felt like I was walking on thin ice that was about to crash through at any time....and he was talking of hanging in there for another four months? It sounded overwhelming to me.....could I do it? I didn't think so and apparently God didn't think so either because He took Kenny home the following month. My second anniversary was to be spent alone. And now, my third, alone again by choice.

One thing I have learned about dealing with a loved one who is dying and the grief that follows once they are gone is that there is no script to adhere to. Nothing that says, "this is how it will all go down". I think it must be different for everyone....different and yet the same. Pain is pain and we all must go through it at some point in our lives.  But I have learned to be easy on myself. To be ok with where I am at knowing it is a process and something I have to go through.

So I will stay home alone all day on a third anniversary....canceling previous plans because I just don't feel like being with people. I can do that....I get to do that.... I must do that.

So...."Happy Anniversary to the best, sweetest, most amazing husband that ever lived! You were the most wonderful person I have ever known and you changed my life forever. I so look forward to the day when I will see you again." (sigh)

Sleepless in Seattle

Saturday night I stayed home and flicked through the TV stations trying to find something interesting to watch. I landed on Sleepless in Seattle, a favorite movie I have watched at least a half a dozen times before. It had been a few years since I last saw it, so I settled down with my popcorn and a glass of white wine to watch. I've always enjoyed the movie, concentrating solely on the love story developing between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. But this time I saw it with different eyes. I saw the part where 'Sam' was grief stricken over the loss of his wife and he could not see how life could go on without her.


This conversation struck me....


Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic. 

Yes, I cried watching the movie. But I also was a little hopeful too. I realize Dr. Marcia Fieldstone is just an imaginary "doctor" in a movie, but what she said gave me something to think about....."People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again". I kinda agree.