Monday, June 11, 2012

I Made It Through

Well, I have now officially made it through my first year without Kenny. The month of May was a hard one, mostly because I knew that the 24th was approaching. It came and went, and for the most part I felt much like I did last year after Kenny was gone except in lighter measure. I was tired, emotionally drained and wanting to stick close to home. My bed and my couch were my friends. I could feel it coming on weeks before, but the week of the 24th was when I wanted nothing more than spend most of my time alone. I slept much more than usual, crawling into bed late morning and again in the afternoon. At one point I wondered if I was fighting something as I felt so awfully tired, but no, this was something familiar and it had nothing to do with being sick.

The 24th fell on a Thursday. The following Tuesday I woke up and thought to myself, I am tired of this. I am going to make some choices today that may be hard to do, but I am going to do them. I want/need to feel happy again. So I put on my walking shoes and walked the trails at Garland Park. This place is my usual stomping ground as it is literally around the block from my house and offers 4500 acres of hiking trails. It would be a shame not to take advantage. So I walked that day as I do most days, and I cried as usual at some point on the trail, but it was what I needed. It was the beginning of climbing out of that dark hole. The hole that Kenny would not want me to stay in.

Friday night I ended up going to Carmel Valley Ranch for a glass of wine and bite to eat. I ended up sitting with a few friends and one of them told me she had someone she wanted to set me up with. He was a client of hers who had lost his wife last June. He is 62, from Michigan, lives in Pebble Beach, retired from some position with GM. "Handsome", "tall", "looks good in his jeans" she said. Sounds ideal. I found myself interested and responded with an enthusiastic "set me up"! But I know this.....there will probably be a lot of these little hopeful twists. Someone that sparks my interest but in the end, just not right for me. I know Kenny wants me to find someone. "You're a lover and a wonderful are made to be with someone" he would tell me and I believe that is true. I do want/hope to fall in love again. But there are some pretty big shoes to fill here and I know it will take nothing less than an act of God to bring me someone who loves me like that. But one thing I know for sure....God is good, and God is able.