Friday, January 21, 2011


Some days are better than others and I feel I have been living in some of the better ones lately. Not "better" in the large scope of things...."better" in that way would mean better when Kenny was healthy and strong and we had our whole lives ahead of us. A long life....or so we thought. But now the "better" just means that...better than other days....better than crying or being sad all the time. Better because there is much to smile about still... and better because I am doing it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Journey

What a journey I am on! I feel I am coming out of a very sad time. Sad for me, but I really don't think others noticed. I know how to keep things fairly under wraps. But yes, sad. And I know I will have many more of those sad days. I just cannot believe there will come a day when my Kenny will not be with me. When I don't "go there", I do pretty well...but I think I have "gone there" some lately and hence the tears.

Today I felt better. Not sure why. I had a glass of wine with Mark today and we had a nice conversation. I think I realized I would not be alone. There will be people in my life and I will survive. I won't crawl into a hole and never come out. I may crawl into a hole, but I will come back out...someday.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I am back...

I took a break from this blog. Partly...well...not sure. But I did start another and sort of flaked on that one too. I am again. I was writing in my journal this morning and my hand started aching. I thought..."resurrect that blog!". And I am. Again.

I am feeling a lot of sadness these days. Kenny worsens daily it seems. I was looking at a picture of our wedding last night and lost it. He looked so handsome and HEALTHY, and on that day I was so full of hopes and dreams. I was at the beginning of a long a beautiful marriage and a wonderful second half of my life. That was only 16 months things have changed.

I have no idea what my life will look like but at this time I am picturing a pretty sad and lonely life. I see a horse. Yes...a horse will be my "new love"....but other than a life with a horse, my kids and grandkids, I don't see much else. I am feeling somewhat reclusive even now, and almost think I will go into hiding and thus begin a sheltered life from most people. I don't really want to be that way...I just feel it could easily happen. I have a lot of pretty dresses and don't see myself wearing them. I cannot picture ever dancing again.....

I don't know what the Lord has in mind for me....but right now...I don't like it.