Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Happy Day

I was looking over some of my old photos and found this one. Our wedding day. It was a very simple wedding. Besides Kenny and I, the only people that came to the event were family members that lived close by. We didn't want to decide which friends to invite and where to draw the line, so we just said "family'. We wanted to keep it small.... and simple. We simply wanted to be married. It was held at a local restaurant that has a lovely setting. We said our vows in the gazebo with family gathered around and then went inside for our dinner reception. Perfect. The day was perfect. We were perfect. He was.... Yes, it was a great day and one that will stand out as one of my happiest days ever.

When I look at old photos of us (which, sadly, are not very old) I have warm feelings come over me. Tears do come, for sure, but I am always filled with a gratefulness for what I had. These are the times and days I want to remember. I do remember. I will always remember.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Future Plans

While Kenny was still here we talked a lot about my future. We talked about finances..... should I try and buy a house? Should I move out of this one? We talked about who could help me, and we set up good friends that could do just that. We had our friend Skip help me with finances since that is his profession. We had Mark help with anything that had to do with legal issues since he is an attorney. We had someone else deal with health insurance issues that would certainly be coming up, and on and on. He took care of me, worried about me, and always, always wanted the best for me.

I always found these conversations and plans to be somewhat uncomfortable, yet even the most difficult of subjects were somehow easy enough with Kenny. He was just like that. He was preparing me for what lie ahead. But there was one topic that came up that was more uncomfortable than most. He had his eyes out for a future man in my life. "What about B----?" he asked me one night maybe 3 months before he passed away. B---- was a relatively new friend.... a friend of a friend that came into our life last September. He owns a ranch and rides horses and that was the appeal. He was also going through a divorce. "No...he wouldn't be a good fit for me" and I spewed out reasons why. But I felt odd talking like that. About another man when the man I loved was right before me, asking the question. How could I say something like..."yeah, I think he is pretty cute and would be a good one to try...." No. I didn't want to say that, much less even think that. Then the night before Kenny died we were driving to a small gathering of friends down the street, (B---- being one of them) and he said, "I think you should reconsider B-----". I honestly think he may have said that, not because he had some insight into what my future held, but he had observed my prior conversations with B-----, most of which revolved around horses. Yes, I loved having B----- at these parties. I always had questions and would show him current horses I was looking at and get his opinion. I think Kenny wanted me to feel free to pursue anyone I might find interesting and that is why the comment was made.

I will say, that about two months after Kenny was gone, I was hanging out a bit with B----. I would ride on his ranch with him, go see the movie "Buck" together, and hang out with another mutual friend or not. It was about a three week stretch where we hung out maybe 2 or 3 times a week and I found myself developing a little crush. I am sure that B----- had no suspicion that he made my heart flutter a little. We were only friends and that was all. And then the crush wained and I realized it was nothing more than a distraction. Something to ease the pain and not something I even wanted. No....he was/is still the same to me.....nice friend, but not a good fit. I am sure Kenny knew that, but he wanted me to feel free to explore.

And then there was M----. A widower I met about a month after Kenny died. Mutual friends were dining with him at a local restaurant and I happened to be there too. Then I saw him again about a month later at the Carmel Valley Hoopla. We chatted a little and I thought he was nice. Then again, Friday night, two weeks ago. He was gathered with friends and I had been invited to join the same group. We chatted a lot that night about what things we go through when losing a spouse. It was a nice conversation and when we said good-bye he gave me a big bear hug. I liked it. And in the moment, I thought...."hey....I kinda like this guy!". The following Friday night came and I just had no desire to join the group again...or last night either. That little flutter came and went and I am back to realizing that these are fleeting distractions from what I really feel inside. I realize that I cannot and should not brush over the pain and sadness I feel. I don't want to mask it and make believe it is not there. It is a time of weeping and I want to be ok with that. The psalmist wrote "weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". Yes, it is my "night"....my time for sadness over this great loss. But there is a joy too... even now....and it will come back in full measure. This I am sure about....the Bible tells me so.

Monday, September 5, 2011

A Horse Called Red

Yesterday was a good day and today will be the same. In fact, I believe, all my days ahead will be a bit brighter now. I finally did it. I bought a horse and his name is Red Hot Command, but everyone calls him Red. He is a solid liver chestnut color and in the sun he has red highlights. He is not technically mine yet because I have him on a thirty day trial, but he was delivered yesterday from where his home was in Scotts Valley. He is now less than 10 minutes from my home at a stable of my choosing here in Carmel Valley. I am thrilled. He is a highly trained reining cow horse which basically means he is a much better horse than I am rider....but he will teach me and I will learn.

We brought him to his new paddock and he pranced around and all the mares from the other side of the fence came and checked him out. One mare in particular seemed to really like him, and although he is just a gelding, she was strutting her stuff and Red was quite pleased. His head would be lifted way up in the air and his upper lip was curled. He hasn't seen that kind of action for awhile since his last stall mate was a 31 year old gelding. I think he is happy. I went back later in the day to see how he was fairing and he seemed very content. I spent time with him in his paddock and since I was the only one at the stable I felt I could talk out loud and play with him. I would walk around and he would follow, I would run, and he would trot to keep up. I am looking forward to getting to know this guy and I think we've gotten off to a good start. It's really nice to have a new man in my life....and he's gorgeous to boot!