Thursday, April 25, 2013

Staying Positive....Or Trying To

It is not always easy to stay positive but I have to say that for the most part I am. Yes, I wish things were different, but I think everyone must feel that from time to time, if not all the time. But I suppose it is what you do with what you have that matters. And I have a lot to be positive and happy about.  I am trying to see more of what I have rather than what I don't have. Life has a way of changing the game pieces around and before you know it, what you had is gone, and what was missing is suddenly there. So once again the day at a time.

I am trying to stay positive with this current place I find myself in. Basically, alone. Of course there are friends and family around, and I have my horse and other activities that keep me busy and happy. But in the end, I am without someone special in my life....and I love having someone special. I find myself lately going back to that place before I met Kenny. Back when I was alone, and I was so enjoying it. I had gone straight from my mom and dad's house into my first marriage and by the time I had moved out of that marriage I was 50 years old. For the very first time in my life, I was living alone. And I loved it. I needed it. I remember one night at 8:30 feeling restless and decided to go to Target. Driving there, it felt, "I get to do this! I get to do what I want, when I want to!" More importantly I felt like I could be completely myself,  and I knew I was going to be able to do that for the rest of my life. So even though there was a residual pain from the divorce, there was also a great sense of freedom. A freedom to be me, and I was loving it.

So my mind lately has been going back to that time. A time when I lived alone and loved it. When I was more than OK being without a partner. When I knew I had choices before me and I was in no hurry to make them. It was nine months into this new reality when Kenny walked into my life. I was working as a hostess at the Rio Grill and it was close to the end of the night. I remember exactly what I was wearing.... and I remember exactly what he was wearing too. I was standing at the end of the bar as he came in and as he was sitting down on a bar stool he looked up and smiled at me. If there was ever a time in my life that my heart melted by just one look, I would have to say it happened to me then.  From  that point on we were pretty much inseparable and I recall one week later as we were driving to Point Lobos for a walk that he said he would like us to be exclusive. As much as I liked this guy, I remember balking at that idea. I didn't want to be with anyone other than him, but I had just come out of a 30 year marriage, and like I said, I was enjoying this new freedom. I wasn't sure I was ready to get tied up again.  But with a little more conversation on the matter, we agreed to be exclusive and of course that remained true for us until the day he died.

So alone again.... and certainly not so excited about it as I was before I met Kenny. But I am trying to look at this with positive eyes. Once again I have choices before me, and once again, I am in no hurry to make them. I am different, much different than I was when I first lived alone. I have settled into a better place of knowing who I am and what I want. That new found freedom I was experiencing has been mine for some time now and never left me even when Kenny was in my life. I was always free to be me with him. So I am hopeful, and happy for the most part, and enjoying this place in life I am in. And who knows if and when, someday, someone, might just look up again and give me a smile that melts me like before..... I have to say, I hope so.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It's Been Awhile.....

It's been awhile since I last posted. I thought maybe I was just done with this blog. A lot has happened in these past few months which I don't want to go back and explain, so I will start with where things are   now.

I finally did something that I kept putting off, thinking I really didn't need it....that I was doing fine. I joined a Hospice grief group and I am now in it's sixth week. I am glad I did it because I really wasn't fine and I really did need it.  I think I need all the help I can get because I lost something pretty great and it still burns a huge hole in my heart. My grieving actually began the day Kenny was diagnosed. There is no hope with ALS so we knew from the beginning where this road was going. On that day the doctor also gave him a timeline, a year, maybe a year and a half. Kenny passed the year mark by 10 days. Then gone. So it has been close to three years now that the grief process began with me, and there have been many times throughout that time that I really thought I was coming out the other side. "I'm lighter! Feeling my old spark again! Hope! A beautiful life ahead!"..... but then something would grab hold of me and drag me back down again. It would be at those times that the thought would come to me that I should get a little help. Join a grief group or something. But then the thought would pass as good days always come too, and I would think, "naw....I'll be ok". So, when I was back in the clutches of grief, I vowed I was going to join this group. And even when the good days came I didn't back out of it and I am glad I didn't. It might sound weird to say, but it is good to be in the presence of others that are grieving. To talk about the one you lost. To cry before others and to gain a better understanding of what I am going through and to know I am ok with that.

I have a routine in the curtains, feed cat, get coffee etc. By the time I get my coffee I have actually been out of bed for a total of about 5 minutes. There was a time several weeks ago I realized that every morning, before I could even get my coffee, I had already cried. Often the tears would come as I was waking up before I could even get out of bed.....everyday.....for months and months. This was my reality....this was my loss. But I realized about a week ago that I was getting coffee and no tears. Wow!

There is a hope slowly brewing. I am almost afraid to give in to it for fear it will disappoint. But I will take one day at a time and see where this leads me. I am in no hurry....I will let this play out and take the time that is needed.  Like I have said before, this was a pretty great and wonderful thing I lost, and a gapping wound needs time and patience to heal.