Monday, July 16, 2012

Sleepless in Seattle

Saturday night I stayed home and flicked through the TV stations trying to find something interesting to watch. I landed on Sleepless in Seattle, a favorite movie I have watched at least a half a dozen times before. It had been a few years since I last saw it, so I settled down with my popcorn and a glass of white wine to watch. I've always enjoyed the movie, concentrating solely on the love story developing between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. But this time I saw it with different eyes. I saw the part where 'Sam' was grief stricken over the loss of his wife and he could not see how life could go on without her.

This conversation struck me....

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic. 

Yes, I cried watching the movie. But I also was a little hopeful too. I realize Dr. Marcia Fieldstone is just an imaginary "doctor" in a movie, but what she said gave me something to think about....."People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again". I kinda agree.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

I Danced

I danced last night. It was the first time I have danced in over two years. Kenny and I would dance whenever there was an opportunity. Neither one of us were great at it, but we both knew how to move to the beat, and even more importantly, we both just had fun. On a cruise we would go to the dance classes that were made available and practice what we learned. Here in Monterey we took dance lessons, whether country line dancing or ballroom. We were in the process of ballroom dance lessons when ALS took over and he no longer could keep up. That was the end of dancing for us, and the end of dancing for me.

There is a hot spot here in the valley called Baja Cantina. It is a Mexican food restaurant with a large patio where a band plays on weekends. Margaritas and beer are flowing, a huge glowing fire is keeping everyone warm, colored lights are criss crossed overhead, and people dance. Last night we were a table of eight and I had invited my friend Rob to join as I am just plain tired of flying solo to every event I go to. We had a table inside, enjoyed our meal, and could hear the band starting up outside. When the bill had been paid, we all headed outside. Before I could think of an excuse not to dance, or muster the courage up to actually do it, Rob grabbed my hand and had me out on the floor. And it was great. It was fun. It made me smile and laugh and feel all aglow. I didn't want to stop and indeed we stayed until the last song played.

I wondered if and when I would every feel like dancing again. I've sat and watched others dance but never felt up to getting out there myself. I have been coaxed to "come on and dance with us" but I had absolutely no desire so I would sit on the sidelines watching. But last night was different. Last night, I did it. I was ready. And it felt right....and it felt good.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Another birthday....

I made it through the year and hit every "special" day once, so now that I am in the second year, I thought things might be easier. Perhaps certain days will be, but yesterday was my birthday and it was not easy at all. I am not sure why my birthday happens to be a day that is so hard....I know last year it was harder than even Kenny's birthday...or even our anniversary. It just hits me hard.  I realized yesterday that it is not only Kenny I miss, but my mom too. Both made my birthday special at different times in my life. Thank you, Kenny! Thank you, Mom!

I woke up at 6:30 and said out loud to my cat..."today's my birthday"....and tears came. I fell back asleep and an hour later woke up crying. I was dreaming I was in the shower, soap in my hair and a song was playing. I was listening to the words and they reminded me of Kenny. I took the towel and held it as though I was holding Kenny and I started slow dancing in the shower, crying my eyes out. I woke up with that....tears, bawling really, and a heavy, heavy heart. Yes, this was going to be a tough day.

That darn dream set me up for a very tearful morning. I had not made any plans, and most of my friends are not aware of my birthday, so it was a quiet morning save a few calls and texts from close friends and family. I chose not to go to church, simply because I didn't want to. I puttered around, watered the garden, fixed a quesadilla for breakfast, and headed over to visit with Red. By the time I came home I had that old familiar exhaustion that comes when my emotions are raw. I crawled in bed at 11:30 knowing I had plenty of time before my lunch with the kids at 1:30. I woke at 1, startled I had been in bed so long, showered and got myself out the door to spend the afternoon with the kids. I would love to say I rallied completely and that I was happy, but I felt the tears so close to the surface it was hard  to be completely engaged. I told the kids about my day....and they understood. It was a nice afternoon though and I was thankful for the time spent.

Fortunately I had told my friend Rob to keep the night open. When I left the kids house close to six, I really could have gone home and crawled back in bed. But a plan had been made, so I went home, freshened up and met Rob in Carmel. If there is one person on earth that can make me laugh it is Rob. He is fun, really fun, and he always cracks me up even without trying to. It took awhile...but after a glass of wine and good conversation, I felt my old me, my happier me, come back. I was too full to eat because of my late lunch, but I picked sweet potato fries from his plate, and the bartender, who overheard it was my birthday, brought out a huge brownie sundae. So we ate most of second dessert of the day.

My day ended on a good note. My last tears were in the early evening when I told Rob about my dream, and then the night just got better. Tears are part of life, I know this.....there will always be sad times. But there are happy times too. I had both yesterday, and was glad to have ended the day well.