I knew my wonderful husband was going to pass away, and I knew, standing at the beginning of 2011 that his health was going to deteriorate to the point of....well....I didn't know. I didn't know if I would be able to take care of him until the end and that frightened me. But I knew things were going to get bad, very bad. And then.....when that "bad" was over, when his deteriorating health was no longer the issue, another "bad" would take it's place. He would be gone, and I would have to grope through a darkness I had never been in before and desperately didn't want.
Standing at that first day of 2011 was not a happy day for me. I tried not to let the overwhelming dread come over me, but I think it did. This was going to be a hard year, and yes it proved to be so. Kenny died five months into the year and I was able to care for him to the end. Thank God. There are always bright spots in our darkest times and for me there were many of them. And then, once he was gone, I began, or rather continued, on that road of grieving over a loved one that has gone on without you. A walk no one wants to be on.
So, 2011 was a hard year on so many levels. I am glad it is behind me, yet it will most likely be a year that stays forever embedding in my mind. Like so many other years that meld into one another, this one will stand out as clearly different. I will never forget it, and I really don't want to.
And now I am at 2012 and when I hear the words "Happy New Year", I think "yes!"....this is going to be a good year. I really believe that. I believe there are some wonderful days ahead and I look forward to each one. 2011 taught me, changed me, and hopefully made me better. I didn't look forward to it and I dreaded the day it came, but I will be forever grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought.