I made it through the year and hit every "special" day once, so now that I am in the second year, I thought things might be easier. Perhaps certain days will be, but yesterday was my birthday and it was not easy at all. I am not sure why my birthday happens to be a day that is so hard....I know last year it was harder than even Kenny's birthday...or even our anniversary. It just hits me hard. I realized yesterday that it is not only Kenny I miss, but my mom too. Both made my birthday special at different times in my life. Thank you, Kenny! Thank you, Mom!
I woke up at 6:30 and said out loud to my cat..."today's my birthday"....and tears came. I fell back asleep and an hour later woke up crying. I was dreaming I was in the shower, soap in my hair and a song was playing. I was listening to the words and they reminded me of Kenny. I took the towel and held it as though I was holding Kenny and I started slow dancing in the shower, crying my eyes out. I woke up with that....tears, bawling really, and a heavy, heavy heart. Yes, this was going to be a tough day.
That darn dream set me up for a very tearful morning. I had not made any plans, and most of my friends are not aware of my birthday, so it was a quiet morning save a few calls and texts from close friends and family. I chose not to go to church, simply because I didn't want to. I puttered around, watered the garden, fixed a quesadilla for breakfast, and headed over to visit with Red. By the time I came home I had that old familiar exhaustion that comes when my emotions are raw. I crawled in bed at 11:30 knowing I had plenty of time before my lunch with the kids at 1:30. I woke at 1, startled I had been in bed so long, showered and got myself out the door to spend the afternoon with the kids. I would love to say I rallied completely and that I was happy, but I felt the tears so close to the surface it was hard to be completely engaged. I told the kids about my dream....my day....and they understood. It was a nice afternoon though and I was thankful for the time spent.
Fortunately I had told my friend Rob to keep the night open. When I left the kids house close to six, I really could have gone home and crawled back in bed. But a plan had been made, so I went home, freshened up and met Rob in Carmel. If there is one person on earth that can make me laugh it is Rob. He is fun, really fun, and he always cracks me up even without trying to. It took awhile...but after a glass of wine and good conversation, I felt my old me, my happier me, come back. I was too full to eat because of my late lunch, but I picked sweet potato fries from his plate, and the bartender, who overheard it was my birthday, brought out a huge brownie sundae. So we ate most of it....my second dessert of the day.
My day ended on a good note. My last tears were in the early evening when I told Rob about my dream, and then the night just got better. Tears are part of life, I know this.....there will always be sad times. But there are happy times too. I had both yesterday, and was glad to have ended the day well.