Anniversary

Today would have been Kenny and my third anniversary. We only celebrated our first, he was gone before the second, and now, another year. I can hardly believe it. It has now been just over 15 months since Kenny left.

 I remember April 2011, about a month before Kenny died and he said, "I think I am going to be here for our second anniversary". I wish I could say I was thrilled for his optimism and truly hoped he would be here in September, but the awful truth is I shuddered at the thought. I was worried that I would not be able to take care of Kenny in the end. Afraid I would not have the strength to get him out of bed, move him to his wheelchair, help him in all the ways he needed my help. Afraid the stress and my nerves would fail me and I would somehow lash out at Kenny and make him feel like a burden. I felt like I was walking on thin ice that was about to crash through at any time....and he was talking of hanging in there for another four months? It sounded overwhelming to me.....could I do it? I didn't think so and apparently God didn't think so either because He took Kenny home the following month. My second anniversary was to be spent alone. And now, my third, alone again by choice.

One thing I have learned about dealing with a loved one who is dying and the grief that follows once they are gone is that there is no script to adhere to. Nothing that says, "this is how it will all go down". I think it must be different for everyone....different and yet the same. Pain is pain and we all must go through it at some point in our lives.  But I have learned to be easy on myself. To be ok with where I am at knowing it is a process and something I have to go through.

So I will stay home alone all day on a third anniversary....canceling previous plans because I just don't feel like being with people. I can do that....I get to do that.... I must do that.

So...."Happy Anniversary to the best, sweetest, most amazing husband that ever lived! You were the most wonderful person I have ever known and you changed my life forever. I so look forward to the day when I will see you again." (sigh)