I can't help but feel the emptiness that comes with being alone in a time where you don't really want to be alone. I fill my days up with friends and family, riding my horse, running around, lunches here, happy hour there, and then when I have been out there and done that, home and being alone sounds nice. Or at least nice enough. But now, I am not out and about. I am home, on the couch, watching way too much TV. I rattle around from room to room, a hanky here, a cup of tea there. There is no one here to keep me company. The days are long and I try and stay up late enough so that I am not waking up at 2 a.m. I am bored, and I am never bored. And I am lonely too.
I can't help but think back to Kenny, and how he felt when his body was giving out. Was he bored, and could I have done more? His days must have been long too, and I know he watched TV much more than he ever normally would. I remember setting him up, so that he could watch TV while I slipped out to run to the store, the bank, or wherever. I had my escape. I could get out, shake up my day a little. I wish I could go back and redo some things. But I can't. And I wonder if he got lonely too.
Kenny knew how to stay busy though. He was not afraid of the bus that would take him to town and from there he would wheel himself to the Pacheco Club where he would have lunch with the boys. Sometimes, while he was in town, he would go get his haircut, or better yet, have his feet massaged. Or he would leave our house in his wheelchair and tootle on over to Bernardus, a lovely resort about a half mile from our house and have lunch with friends every Friday. Yes...just thinking about it, I think Kenny was not bored. Not much anyway. He was always ready to do something and his condition did not hinder. The night before he died we went to a party and he ate lasagna and drank a margarita. He was a trooper....and no, I really don't think he was bored. Or lonely. I think he was truly what he always said he was.....happy. And that makes me happy too.
I saw your link on Pinterest, and decided to click on it. What lovely tributes you have written! I, too, have experienced terrible grief after the loss of our oldest son at age 18. I'v read many of your back posts. Your lyrical writing beautifully expresses so much of what I felt/feel also. I did not start blogging until many years after our son left. How I wish I had had this outlet in those early days. Sadly, I couldn't even journal then...was totally blocked. Jeremy had been a writer himself, and somehow it just felt wrong for me to be writing when he couldn't (yes, grief is, indeed, irrational.) I do blog now, and find it very satisfying. Thank you for your heartfelt blog. Your words have truly moved me! Here's my blog, should you want to know more about this stranger commenting on your post: http://www.nonnismountaindreams.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong. I hope that you begin to feel much better soon. You depict your love for Kenny so well. This is a really great blog and I'm truly sorry for your loss. :(
ReplyDeleteHi, I am very happy that I found your blog through pinterest. My husband was diagnosed a year ago with terminal cancer. so I can kind of relate to what you are going through. My husband is still with me but the road is very bumpy and his health is deteriorating. It is very scary to lose the love of your life. I wish you strength as you continue on your journey.
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