Thursday, February 9, 2012

A Kink in the Road

This morning I was picturing myself walking along a fairly wide path meandering through a forest setting. A smaller path was going off to the side of it and I had the thought...." was so easy when I didn't have to decide". That wide path has been my life lately.... since Kenny....walking along, nothing much to worry about....just 'go'. As much as it is not a path of my choosing, I will say that it has become comfortable. And maybe a bit boring. But safe.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Betsy introduced me to her friend Rob. She had told me beforehand that she thought we might get along and that he was a super nice guy. I thought, "what the heck".... I enjoy meeting people and could use some new friends. (I am finding it true, that as a 'single' you are not invited out as much as when you were a 'couple' yet the reality is you need to be invited even more so) He was a pro golfer turned businessman as a horrible car accident changed his life around for him. That was really all I knew about him as I walked into the quaint, classy bar/restaurant in Carmel where we were to meet. He and Betsy were already seated, a chair between them waiting for me. I figured this would be fun, no expectations....just friends meeting friends although I was well aware that this was an informal 'set up'.

I was pleasantly surprised by my initial impression. Seems nice. Pleasant face. Full head of dark hair with just the beginning streaks of gray. Greek. Glasses which actually added to the overall look. Nice dresser. Friendly, outgoing, comfortable. Chemistry! We all chatted it up for quite some time and then at some point Betsy slipped on out and we remained. We walked down to another restaurant in town, a popular Greek restaurant that he was familiar with and it was evident when we walked in that he was loved by all. I could not believe the time....we had met at 6 p.m. and it was now 11:30. The place was almost empty at this late hour but he ordered a bottle of wine and we sipped slowly, eating our hummus and pita and continuing our conversation. I don't know when the last time was that I came home at 1 in the morning. It was a very nice night.

Of course I have picked him apart since then. He is a little on the short side...... because of his accident he lives in constant pain...(although he is extremely positive and does not complain..."I'm alive!")....he has two titanium knees and his whole body cracks when he gets up from a chair....he has glass still embedded in his face... he is a workaholic....(although to his credit his busiest week of the year is the AT&T which is going on now)....I think there are other health issues too....he is 49 but his doctor told him he had the body of an 80 year old. Great.

So we have kept in touch, enjoyed other conversations and social happenings. We have kept things on a friendly note and our times together are often mixed with others. He is nice, really nice. Easy going. Busy. Sort of a whirlwind kind of guy. A people person in the purest form and people love him. But...

Meeting him has caused me problems. This meandering path was just getting palatable. I was just getting used to it. I was sort of liking it really. And as long as there are no other choices, I would say this path was getting easy. Not that I would have chosen this path over my path with Kenny, but I would choose this path over a whole lot of other things that are out there. And now there is this new kink in the road. I like it.... but I don't. I like having someone paying attention to me. Someone that likes me. Someone that wants to get together for a cup of coffee, glass of wine, bite to eat.....someone that pursues....

Yet I feel that invisible arm stretched out. "Keep things at arms length" I subconsciously tell myself. Yes...I believe it is true. I am just not ready for this. Not ready for a relationship. I don't want a boyfriend. At a different place and time in my life I would be all over this guy. He is great....and a really great catch. But I am at this place and this time in my life and I am just not there yet. I lost a pretty wonderful love and I am still working through the pain of that loss. I had it perfect once and that is going to be a tough act to follow.

I do believe I can have that again though. I know I will never have another Kenny and I hope someday I will be able to see someone without comparing. Each person is unique and wonderful in their own right and deserve to be accepted and loved for who they are. I know if and when someone new comes into my life, he will have to be handpicked by God just as I felt Kenny was for me. There is such comfort in that. The path ahead suddenly seems wide and easy again and the choices not nearly so difficult. This will all get figured out. I don't have to fret and worry and know all the answers. There are no hard fast decisions that need to be made today. I just need to take a deep breath....look ahead.... and keep on walking.

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