One Year.....

One is a Lonely Number

The other day I was looking at recipes online. I don't cook much these days but I miss having someone to think of during the day and figure out the best meal for 'us' for that evenings meal. Should we sit in the living room by the fire? At the big dining table? Kitchen? Al Fresco? I love puttering in the kitchen and throwing together a simple meal. Red wine or white? I love the whole event of sharing a meal. I thought to myself, perhaps I should do it anyway....just for me. Other single friends I know seem to be able to pull this off. So I was looking at a salmon recipe that looked great and thought that might be a good one to try. On this particular website, you can adjust the ingredient amounts depending on the number of people you want to cook for. I changed the original number from 'six' down to 'one', and as soon as I saw that number I lost it. 'One' truly is the "loneliest number".

I was with an old friend several weeks ago and we were talking about how things were going with me in this current place I am in. "There are a whole lot of worse things than loneliness" he said. Yes....I had to agree. Loneliness is not fun, but when I feel it starting to wrap its ugly arms around me I can often escape it's clutches. It is not the worse thing I have experienced, that's for sure. I have to say that comment he made has stayed with me all these weeks. It has actually propelled me from going down that lonely road to another place that I'm finding is becoming more and more familiar. Thankfulness. Gratitude. Contentment.

I have a good life. A very good life. Of course it was a great life with Kenny here to share it with, but even still it is good. And even though loneliness creeps in now and then, I think of all I have and I cannot stay lonely long. Each day is a new beginning. A new hope. A new adventure. Aside from the best years of my life that I spent with Kenny, I have to say I am happier now than I have ever been. Other than having my Kenny back, I would not change a thing.....

Almost a Year....

Last night I was with a group of friends from church and someone asked me about the upcoming 'date'. The date of May 24th. The one year mark. How was I feeling about it? What was I planning on doing that day? Did I want/need to be around people? Would I like to be alone? A memorial of some type?

I don't know. I just don't know. What I do know is that I can hardly believe it has been almost a year. A year. I talk to Kenny's mom every time the 24th comes up. We talk at other times throughout the month but always on the 24th. Either she calls me, or I call her. "I know we have made him out to be a saint, but he was pretty darn good to me" she often says. Yes, he was pretty darn good to me too, and pretty much a saint in my eyes as well.

Fairly soon after Kenny died, I cleaned out the closets and gave his clothes away. Some things I kept for myself, mostly button down oxford shirts that were a staple of his.....a couple of old sweatshirts....PJ bottoms. I have to say, I wear one of these items pretty much every day. It just feels right. And then there is the Listerine. A huge bottle under the bathroom sink that I finally finished off yesterday. Funny, but it was harder to let go of than the clothes. It was the same Listerine bottle that Kenny used, sipped from to his dying day. I have been rationing it, leaving that last inch at the bottom and taking teeny tiny sips to make it last. It was his Listerine.....his lips touched this daily. I had a hard time letting that one go.

It has been almost a year and at times I think I had an easier go of it 5 months ago, or 8 months ago, or 2 months....I think it is just that there is a marker in the road. I big, glaring marker looming ahead that reminds me.... I had it great once, I had the best. And now he is gone.