Last night I was with a group of friends from church and someone asked me about the upcoming 'date'. The date of May 24th. The one year mark. How was I feeling about it? What was I planning on doing that day? Did I want/need to be around people? Would I like to be alone? A memorial of some type?
I don't know. I just don't know. What I do know is that I can hardly believe it has been almost a year. A year. I talk to Kenny's mom every time the 24th comes up. We talk at other times throughout the month but always on the 24th. Either she calls me, or I call her. "I know we have made him out to be a saint, but he was pretty darn good to me" she often says. Yes, he was pretty darn good to me too, and pretty much a saint in my eyes as well.
Fairly soon after Kenny died, I cleaned out the closets and gave his clothes away. Some things I kept for myself, mostly button down oxford shirts that were a staple of his.....a couple of old sweatshirts....PJ bottoms. I have to say, I wear one of these items pretty much every day. It just feels right. And then there is the Listerine. A huge bottle under the bathroom sink that I finally finished off yesterday. Funny, but it was harder to let go of than the clothes. It was the same Listerine bottle that Kenny used, sipped from to his dying day. I have been rationing it, leaving that last inch at the bottom and taking teeny tiny sips to make it last. It was his Listerine.....his lips touched this daily. I had a hard time letting that one go.
It has been almost a year and at times I think I had an easier go of it 5 months ago, or 8 months ago, or 2 months....I think it is just that there is a marker in the road. I big, glaring marker looming ahead that reminds me.... I had it great once, I had the best. And now he is gone.