Ok...so I have been on a few dates lately. I have even met some really nice guys. But what happens to me, after I come back from a date, is I miss Kenny all the more. It almost seems like the nicer the guy, the harder the hurt. I can only think that must be so, because here I am, out with a truly great guy and....no...he can't even come close to the person I had before.
I really do wonder if there could ever be another. I have always thought so, but at times I have my doubts. I remember talking with Kenny about this when we knew he was going to be leaving me. "I don't know if anyone could love me like you do," I told him through my tears. And he responded something to me that I will always remember and have always held close...."you can teach someone else to love you, just like you taught me to love you". He went on to explain that, yes, he loved me, but he was motivated to find out how to love me in the way I needed him to love me. Apparently I taught him well, for I was loved beyond anything I could have ever even hoped for.
Kenny was an amazing man and he left some pretty big shoes to fill, but I have often thought it will not be the person himself I will be comparing. Kenny is Kenny, and to compare anyone to him would be completely unfair and totally unproductive. If I choose to do that I may as well accept the fact that I will live the rest of my life alone. No, what I will be comparing is how this person makes me feel. Kenny made me feel completely loved....adored....safe....and happy. That is what I know I need, and if it is not there in the same measure, then I will have to conclude that person is not for me. I cannot, will not, must not settle for less. It would not be fair to me nor to him. And another thought I have had lately, taking this a bit further, is not only do I need to feel loved, but do I feel I can give love in the same measure that I gave to Kenny. I felt completely and totally abandoned to him. No reservations, no holding back. I want and need that too....and the truth is that one may be the more difficult one to come by.
And so....I have another man on the line....waiting for my answer on a date number two. No....I don't want to go.....and I have to do what I hate to do and explain that I am not interested in taking this any farther. I suppose for now I need to conclude that I am just not ready. I really do believe I will find love again someday, but for now I think the choice has been made. As much as I may have thought I was ready to move on, I believe I will just have to linger here awhile longer.....