Thursday, April 25, 2013

Staying Positive....Or Trying To

It is not always easy to stay positive but I have to say that for the most part I am. Yes, I wish things were different, but I think everyone must feel that from time to time, if not all the time. But I suppose it is what you do with what you have that matters. And I have a lot to be positive and happy about.  I am trying to see more of what I have rather than what I don't have. Life has a way of changing the game pieces around and before you know it, what you had is gone, and what was missing is suddenly there. So once again the day at a time.

I am trying to stay positive with this current place I find myself in. Basically, alone. Of course there are friends and family around, and I have my horse and other activities that keep me busy and happy. But in the end, I am without someone special in my life....and I love having someone special. I find myself lately going back to that place before I met Kenny. Back when I was alone, and I was so enjoying it. I had gone straight from my mom and dad's house into my first marriage and by the time I had moved out of that marriage I was 50 years old. For the very first time in my life, I was living alone. And I loved it. I needed it. I remember one night at 8:30 feeling restless and decided to go to Target. Driving there, it felt, "I get to do this! I get to do what I want, when I want to!" More importantly I felt like I could be completely myself,  and I knew I was going to be able to do that for the rest of my life. So even though there was a residual pain from the divorce, there was also a great sense of freedom. A freedom to be me, and I was loving it.

So my mind lately has been going back to that time. A time when I lived alone and loved it. When I was more than OK being without a partner. When I knew I had choices before me and I was in no hurry to make them. It was nine months into this new reality when Kenny walked into my life. I was working as a hostess at the Rio Grill and it was close to the end of the night. I remember exactly what I was wearing.... and I remember exactly what he was wearing too. I was standing at the end of the bar as he came in and as he was sitting down on a bar stool he looked up and smiled at me. If there was ever a time in my life that my heart melted by just one look, I would have to say it happened to me then.  From  that point on we were pretty much inseparable and I recall one week later as we were driving to Point Lobos for a walk that he said he would like us to be exclusive. As much as I liked this guy, I remember balking at that idea. I didn't want to be with anyone other than him, but I had just come out of a 30 year marriage, and like I said, I was enjoying this new freedom. I wasn't sure I was ready to get tied up again.  But with a little more conversation on the matter, we agreed to be exclusive and of course that remained true for us until the day he died.

So alone again.... and certainly not so excited about it as I was before I met Kenny. But I am trying to look at this with positive eyes. Once again I have choices before me, and once again, I am in no hurry to make them. I am different, much different than I was when I first lived alone. I have settled into a better place of knowing who I am and what I want. That new found freedom I was experiencing has been mine for some time now and never left me even when Kenny was in my life. I was always free to be me with him. So I am hopeful, and happy for the most part, and enjoying this place in life I am in. And who knows if and when, someday, someone, might just look up again and give me a smile that melts me like before..... I have to say, I hope so.

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