Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It's Been Awhile.....

It's been awhile since I last posted. I thought maybe I was just done with this blog. A lot has happened in these past few months which I don't want to go back and explain, so I will start with where things are   now.

I finally did something that I kept putting off, thinking I really didn't need it....that I was doing fine. I joined a Hospice grief group and I am now in it's sixth week. I am glad I did it because I really wasn't fine and I really did need it.  I think I need all the help I can get because I lost something pretty great and it still burns a huge hole in my heart. My grieving actually began the day Kenny was diagnosed. There is no hope with ALS so we knew from the beginning where this road was going. On that day the doctor also gave him a timeline, a year, maybe a year and a half. Kenny passed the year mark by 10 days. Then gone. So it has been close to three years now that the grief process began with me, and there have been many times throughout that time that I really thought I was coming out the other side. "I'm lighter! Feeling my old spark again! Hope! A beautiful life ahead!"..... but then something would grab hold of me and drag me back down again. It would be at those times that the thought would come to me that I should get a little help. Join a grief group or something. But then the thought would pass as good days always come too, and I would think, "naw....I'll be ok". So, when I was back in the clutches of grief, I vowed I was going to join this group. And even when the good days came I didn't back out of it and I am glad I didn't. It might sound weird to say, but it is good to be in the presence of others that are grieving. To talk about the one you lost. To cry before others and to gain a better understanding of what I am going through and to know I am ok with that.

I have a routine in the morning....open curtains, feed cat, get coffee etc. By the time I get my coffee I have actually been out of bed for a total of about 5 minutes. There was a time several weeks ago I realized that every morning, before I could even get my coffee, I had already cried. Often the tears would come as I was waking up before I could even get out of bed.....everyday.....for months and months. This was my reality....this was my loss. But I realized about a week ago that I was getting coffee and no tears. Wow!

There is a hope slowly brewing. I am almost afraid to give in to it for fear it will disappoint. But I will take one day at a time and see where this leads me. I am in no hurry....I will let this play out and take the time that is needed.  Like I have said before, this was a pretty great and wonderful thing I lost, and a gapping wound needs time and patience to heal.

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