Tomorrow

I have never dreaded my birthday before. Never bummed out that I was turning the big 4-0, then the big 5-0. Growing old and birthdays don't bother me. But tomorrow is my birthday, and yes, I dread it. Not because I am another year older. No, I dread it because Kenny is not here with me and I have a feeling that tomorrow will feel especially void without him. In all honesty, I am sort of surprised that I feel this way. I have not put a huge amount of hoopla when it comes to my birthday celebrations so I didn't think it would matter much. For me, birthdays were mostly a day that I had the courage to say and do whatever I wanted to do. But when Kenny came along, he knew how to make them special.

I remember my first birthday with him. He had four presents (jewelry which I cherish) and with each present he had a different card. "I couldn't decide on just one card"! Each card had a sweet sentiment, and with each card Kenny wrote his own birthday love note to me. We sat by the pool and drank margaritas that day and I remember feeling that my life was going to be good with this man. Yes....life was definitely good with this man.... just way, way too short.

In the past, Kenny had been used to giving gifts and having them returned, so he was a little gun-shy about buying gifts for me. One of my birthdays was approaching and I already knew he had my gifts purchased, mostly because I was with him when he bought them for me. Then he asked me if I would like him to buy me a dress for my birthday. Not just buy me a dress, but actually pick it out and surprise me with it. "Yes! I would love that"! I was thrilled that he was ready to take that small risk with me and I knew no matter what, I was not going to return this dress. He bought me ten. TEN dresses, and I loved them all. That Kenny.

So....tomorrow will be a little hard for me. I am a free agent and can do whatever I want to do just about any day of the week, and tomorrow will be no different. But I actually can't do what I really want to do. I want to sit by the pool and drink margaritas and open sweet cards with love notes inside. I want to wear a pretty dress and.....