It is still hard for me to believe that he is gone and almost harder for me to believe he was ever really here. Did I really have this great love? Was it truly as wonderful as I remember it to be? Did I really get completely swept off my feet by this prince of a man? Yes...yes, I did. It is true and I know it....and it makes me both happy and sad just thinking about it....about him. And I do think about him...all the time. Like church on Sunday. I was standing with the others, singing a worship song, and my mind went back. Back to when Kenny was tall and strong and healthy. We stood together in that pew, with his arm around my waist, his voice singing along with mine and everyone else's too. He was beautiful, and altogether perfect in my eyes. I felt loved. Secure. After every service it was tradition that he would scoop me up in a big bear hug. At times I almost felt embarrassed by it, but not Kenny. He was never shy in showing his affection for me no matter where we were. And so, this past Sunday....I stood alone in that pew. Of course others were around me, but I suddenly felt alone and I could not stop my tears.
Yes....I did have a great love. And the thought of it often saddens me and brings me to tears. Tears because it was so short lived....still so young....and with so much more to experience. But I know that beyond the tears, and the deep feelings of loss, there is a joy. A happy knowing. I had it great. I had it all. I had the best.
So today, the 24th, marks the third month. But there is another date coming up that I know will be difficult too. September 3rd. Kenny and I had the pleasure of celebrating only one anniversary together and this September 3rd would be our second. I will have to do my best to plan ahead, but I have found that the best laid plans still cannot cover the pain of my reality. I suppose, in some ways, the pain is suppose to be felt and not to be pushed down, and stuffed inside. In fact, I am sure that is so. Yes....I will feel the pain more that day than most. And I will do something that day....even have fun...I will genuinely smile and feel happy and content. And I will let sorrow and tears in as well. I will not be able to stop it. But it will be ok. It will be fine. And I will be ok...and I will be fine. Life is a journey we are on as we make our way home, and often it is filled with a lot of hard and difficult things to endure. But there are good things too. Really, really good things. And for those, I am most grateful. I am not sure what is ahead for me, but I am sure it will be more of the same. Both good and bad, happy and sad, difficult and easy. This life is like that. A passage of days.