Thursday, August 4, 2011

On the Outside....

On the outside it looks like I am doing pretty well. I was at Carmel Valley Ranch last night having a glass of wine and dining with friends that gathered. Whenever Kenny and I would go out I would always ask, "Pants, or dress"? He would always, without exception say, "dress". He liked dresses and so do I. So I wore a bright orangish dress last night, feeling like I might be a little on the dressy side compared to most. I wore silver, low heeled sandals to tone it down which I felt compensated for the high heels that were present elsewhere. Looking back, I wasn't dressy. I wasn't standing out in my attire. But I felt dressy, and nice, and bright, and so much different on the outside than how I felt on the inside.

I often think of the movie "Gone With the Wind" where Scarlet had to wear her black mourning clothes when the husband she cared nothing about died. She was at a charity ball and her feet were keeping step to the music as she leaned behind the counter. She wanted to be out there kicking up her heels and having fun with the rest of them. On the outside though, she was proper....she looked the part of the dutiful wife in mourning. But on the inside....she danced. I had my bright orangish dress on last night with shiny silver sandals ....a bright shiny bangle on my wrist....a glass of wine in my hand. I was laughing among friends and all looked right in my world. But there is something missing. Something big. And no matter how I matter what fun things I might do... no matter how things might appear on the outside...there is a hole inside. A sadness. A loss so great I am having a hard time understanding it. I miss Kenny, plain and simple.

I know the days will get easier and I believe there will come a day when the inside matches the outside. When the cheery, bright me on the outside is in sync with the cheery, bright me on the inside. Some days are easier than others and I think I am just in a little clump of bad ones. It is hard to look back, and it is hard to look ahead. I feel a little stuck in the "here and now" and it is a "here and now" that I don't really like. And even now, as I write this, I realize that I do indeed have many true, deep down to my very soul, happy moments. That my life is still good and I have much to be thankful for. And I believe that the great hole that I feel, the sadness, and the loss will dim and fade over time. It won't be so front and center as it is now. But one thing that will definitely never, ever fade.....Kenny. No, no matter what, he will never dim, he will always and forever shine brightly in my eyes and heart.

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