Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ups and Downs

This really is such a strange time for me. I thought about a month ago...."hey, I think I am doing pretty good here!" Then a week ago....."things are worse than ever....I can't do this". Then, yesterday, and even the day before...."I am going to be ok....just one day at a time". Hope. So I realize, I guess, that there is not going to be any real 'pattern' that I can look to and say "that is how things are going to go". No, it really does seem to be a total mystery and I never know from one day to the next how I will feel. One person will say to me, "it's going to take a year", and then another, "it will take two years".....and then others I feel have the thought...."come on, get on with it". How do they know? How does anyone know? They don't, and neither do I. And that is why living one day at a time is so very valuable to me. I need to do it, and with God's help I will.

I have decided though, that I need to stay somewhat busy. Way busier than I would normally be if I had a mate by my side. Or maybe...certainly....a different kind of busy and one that I am not extremely fond of but given the option it is my best choice. Like last night. I have been trying to be a little more proactive on my plans because I have had way too many evenings creep up on me with nothing to do and no one to do them with. Of course, I could get on the phone at 6 o'clock and find something to do in no time. I could even go to one of my kids homes, no problem. But by the time 6 o'clock rolls around, I am torn between wanting/needing something, and the lack of motivation to do anything about it. I am usually at that point a bit depressed, so I don't want to make the effort to get out and go. So I stay TV and yes, I hate to say it, feel sorry for myself. Back to last night....I actually texted a friend in the morning (I don't know her very well, but she is single so I glob on) and asked if she would like to join me for a dinner bite. "Yes...would love to"....GREAT....I had a plan, and my whole day felt better because I knew I had a place to go and someone to visit with. So....there it is. That different kind of busy. I really like that lady and I had a good time, but she is not my first choice. I would much rather be busy at home, cooking a simple dinner, setting a lovely table, lighting a candle.....

When I look back on this past week, I do see effort on my part in getting out and being around people. In fact, it seems like I have been around people a lot. On Thursday night, I signed up for a winemaker's dinner here in the Carmel Valley village. I did my homework ahead of time.... looked at the evite list of those who were coming and recognized a couple I knew....talked with my horse trainer who gives me lessons...her family are the winemakers so, yes, she will be there. I called the restaurant...."how will the seating be?" and was happy to find out that it would be family style seating with several large tables. Good. I did it. I went alone and ended up sitting next to the couple I already knew. They invited me to join their group of friends for happy hour on Friday nights.... "come join us....we need new blood!" So...I have a standing Friday night gig and I hope I like it. And then on Friday afternoon, I met friends for lunch....Friday night dinner with Bryna's family, Saturday....a feel sorry for myself dinner with kids. Monday, lunch with friends. Yes, I am around people a lot it seems. I need them. I am trying to find the right balance between being alone too much, and being with people. I like people, love 'em really, but too much wears me out, and not enough I begin to sink. Like I said, this really is a strange time for me. How long will it be before that strangeness goes away and I feel normal again and find my place? A year? Two? Tomorrow? Only God knows. All I know is that today is a beautiful new day and I want to live it well.

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