Future Plans

While Kenny was still here we talked a lot about my future. We talked about finances..... should I try and buy a house? Should I move out of this one? We talked about who could help me, and we set up good friends that could do just that. We had our friend Skip help me with finances since that is his profession. We had Mark help with anything that had to do with legal issues since he is an attorney. We had someone else deal with health insurance issues that would certainly be coming up, and on and on. He took care of me, worried about me, and always, always wanted the best for me.

I always found these conversations and plans to be somewhat uncomfortable, yet even the most difficult of subjects were somehow easy enough with Kenny. He was just like that. He was preparing me for what lie ahead. But there was one topic that came up that was more uncomfortable than most. He had his eyes out for a future man in my life. "What about B----?" he asked me one night maybe 3 months before he passed away. B---- was a relatively new friend.... a friend of a friend that came into our life last September. He owns a ranch and rides horses and that was the appeal. He was also going through a divorce. "No...he wouldn't be a good fit for me" and I spewed out reasons why. But I felt odd talking like that. About another man when the man I loved was right before me, asking the question. How could I say something like..."yeah, I think he is pretty cute and would be a good one to try...." No. I didn't want to say that, much less even think that. Then the night before Kenny died we were driving to a small gathering of friends down the street, (B---- being one of them) and he said, "I think you should reconsider B-----". I honestly think he may have said that, not because he had some insight into what my future held, but he had observed my prior conversations with B-----, most of which revolved around horses. Yes, I loved having B----- at these parties. I always had questions and would show him current horses I was looking at and get his opinion. I think Kenny wanted me to feel free to pursue anyone I might find interesting and that is why the comment was made.

I will say, that about two months after Kenny was gone, I was hanging out a bit with B----. I would ride on his ranch with him, go see the movie "Buck" together, and hang out with another mutual friend or not. It was about a three week stretch where we hung out maybe 2 or 3 times a week and I found myself developing a little crush. I am sure that B----- had no suspicion that he made my heart flutter a little. We were only friends and that was all. And then the crush wained and I realized it was nothing more than a distraction. Something to ease the pain and not something I even wanted. No....he was/is still the same to me.....nice friend, but not a good fit. I am sure Kenny knew that, but he wanted me to feel free to explore.

And then there was M----. A widower I met about a month after Kenny died. Mutual friends were dining with him at a local restaurant and I happened to be there too. Then I saw him again about a month later at the Carmel Valley Hoopla. We chatted a little and I thought he was nice. Then again, Friday night, two weeks ago. He was gathered with friends and I had been invited to join the same group. We chatted a lot that night about what things we go through when losing a spouse. It was a nice conversation and when we said good-bye he gave me a big bear hug. I liked it. And in the moment, I thought...."hey....I kinda like this guy!". The following Friday night came and I just had no desire to join the group again...or last night either. That little flutter came and went and I am back to realizing that these are fleeting distractions from what I really feel inside. I realize that I cannot and should not brush over the pain and sadness I feel. I don't want to mask it and make believe it is not there. It is a time of weeping and I want to be ok with that. The psalmist wrote "weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". Yes, it is my "night"....my time for sadness over this great loss. But there is a joy too... even now....and it will come back in full measure. This I am sure about....the Bible tells me so.