20 Seconds of Insane Courage

I went to a movie last week with my friend Betsy. I was still on the mend, but getting out and going to a movie sounded nice. She had already been to most of the movies I had hoped to see but the movie "We Bought a Zoo" was one she had not yet seen, so we went. There was a quote in the movie that struck me and I find I am carrying it with me even today. I have a feeling this one is going to stick and I like the idea of it.

"You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, great things will come of it".

I went to my daughter's house Sunday night as they were throwing a simple birthday party for Seth who was turning one. Big birthday. I knew my ex and his mother would be there so I went with a slight bit of trepidation. I had not spoken much with her since our split nearly 6 years ago. She had let me know way back then how she felt about me and it was not good. From time to time I have seen her since....baby showers, birthdays, etc, but mostly just a "hello" and usually what followed in my head was..."did she say 'hi' back"? These times are never comfortable as I like to be in good graces with everyone. So I went to the party and the first people I saw when I walked through the door were my ex and his mother sitting in the reading room off to the side. I said hello to both of them, purposefully mentioning their names, and continued on into the kitchen where the girls seemed to be hanging out. Safe. Soon after, we were scooping up bowls of soup accompanied with salad and crusty bread and I saw my ex carefully help his 85 year old mother sit back into her chair with her plate and bowl. The girls all seemed to congregate into the dining room and the boys headed back into the living room where a ballgame was on. And then there was Ann....sitting in the reading room alone. And here it was that the quote from the movie came back to me..."20 seconds". So, I gathered a little courage (20 seconds worth!) and sat on the floor next to her chair. "How are you Ann....." and so began a long lengthy conversation. A conversation that said "let bygones be bygones" even though no such words were spoken. It was like old times and I found myself so very thankful for the conversation and the sense that she and I were now "ok". As she was buttoning up her coat to leave I told her that I made her fabulous apple cake recipe for Christmas dinner. Family standing close by who ate the Christmas cake chimed in on how good it was and I could see her beaming. I was glad for the 20 seconds of courage....something very good did come of it.

And then last night, I met up with the same friend I had gone to the movie with at the Rio Grill for a bite. The Rio is a friendly place where you will always see someone you know and I personally feel very comfortable there because at one time it was my workplace. I arrived first, sat at the bar since that was the only available seating, ordered a glass of wine and chatted a bit with someone I knew until Betsy arrived. We had a fun, lively conversation and I told her how that quote from the movie has stayed with me. And now, looking at the year ahead I want to put that one into practice more. At one point Betsy mentioned that the man on the other side of me who I could not see because I was facing her, was quite cute. I turned and eventually brought him into our conversation. He was a visitor from Canada, staying in Carmel and asking of places to see and what to do. When he and Betsy got on a subject that brought the two together, I saw it as my out and said I needed to get going. I got my coat, gave Betsy a hug and whispered in her ear....."20 seconds". She later texted me saying she took the leap and gave him her number. Whether anything comes of it, it doesn't matter....what matters is the leap, the courage, the risk.

I don't know what 2012 has in store for me but standing at the beginning of it I will say that I am feeling brave. I feel like I have crawled out of a dark hole to a beautiful new world and I am feeling whole and alive again. I might not always feel so brave, but I think that a lot of "20 seconds of insane courage" might just be the way to go ..... and who knows? Great things really might just come of it. Yes, I believe it will be so.

Sick

I have been sick for six full days now. I finally got myself on a powerful antibiotic so I am hopeful I will be feeling better very soon. I rarely get sick and it has been years since I have felt this bad.

I can't help but feel the emptiness that comes with being alone in a time where you don't really want to be alone. I fill my days up with friends and family, riding my horse, running around, lunches here, happy hour there, and then when I have been out there and done that, home and being alone sounds nice. Or at least nice enough. But now, I am not out and about. I am home, on the couch, watching way too much TV. I rattle around from room to room, a hanky here, a cup of tea there. There is no one here to keep me company. The days are long and I try and stay up late enough so that I am not waking up at 2 a.m. I am bored, and I am never bored. And I am lonely too.

I can't help but think back to Kenny, and how he felt when his body was giving out. Was he bored, and could I have done more? His days must have been long too, and I know he watched TV much more than he ever normally would. I remember setting him up, so that he could watch TV while I slipped out to run to the store, the bank, or wherever. I had my escape. I could get out, shake up my day a little. I wish I could go back and redo some things. But I can't. And I wonder if he got lonely too.

Kenny knew how to stay busy though. He was not afraid of the bus that would take him to town and from there he would wheel himself to the Pacheco Club where he would have lunch with the boys. Sometimes, while he was in town, he would go get his haircut, or better yet, have his feet massaged. Or he would leave our house in his wheelchair and tootle on over to Bernardus, a lovely resort about a half mile from our house and have lunch with friends every Friday. Yes...just thinking about it, I think Kenny was not bored. Not much anyway. He was always ready to do something and his condition did not hinder. The night before he died we went to a party and he ate lasagna and drank a margarita. He was a trooper....and no, I really don't think he was bored. Or lonely. I think he was truly what he always said he was.....happy. And that makes me happy too.

Happy New Year!

I remember last year at this time. Everyone was belting out "Happy New Year" greetings, whether in cards, or in the stores, or friends and acquaintances. There was no getting away from it. But I knew, every time I heard it, that this was not going to be a happy new year. I knew that the year 2011 would most likely be the worst year of my life. And it was.

I knew my wonderful husband was going to pass away, and I knew, standing at the beginning of 2011 that his health was going to deteriorate to the point of....well....I didn't know. I didn't know if I would be able to take care of him until the end and that frightened me. But I knew things were going to get bad, very bad. And then.....when that "bad" was over, when his deteriorating health was no longer the issue, another "bad" would take it's place. He would be gone, and I would have to grope through a darkness I had never been in before and desperately didn't want.

Standing at that first day of 2011 was not a happy day for me. I tried not to let the overwhelming dread come over me, but I think it did. This was going to be a hard year, and yes it proved to be so. Kenny died five months into the year and I was able to care for him to the end. Thank God. There are always bright spots in our darkest times and for me there were many of them. And then, once he was gone, I began, or rather continued, on that road of grieving over a loved one that has gone on without you. A walk no one wants to be on.

So, 2011 was a hard year on so many levels. I am glad it is behind me, yet it will most likely be a year that stays forever embedding in my mind. Like so many other years that meld into one another, this one will stand out as clearly different. I will never forget it, and I really don't want to.

And now I am at 2012 and when I hear the words "Happy New Year", I think "yes!"....this is going to be a good year. I really believe that. I believe there are some wonderful days ahead and I look forward to each one. 2011 taught me, changed me, and hopefully made me better. I didn't look forward to it and I dreaded the day it came, but I will be forever grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought.

Christmas

Christmas has come and gone and I realize that I made it through the season very well. Kenny and I were only together for a few Christmases, and had not really developed traditions of our own. He simply joined me in mine. So this year I did much of what I have always done, spent it with the kids and grandkids. Christmas Eve I went to my son's church for their service and then we all ate at the church's grill. After that, back to my son's house along with my daughter and her family where we all had peppermint sundaes and watched the kids open their Christmas jammies.

I spent the night at their house and the next morning we were up at 6. As I watched their three daughters come downstairs I was struck with how incredibly blessed these girls are. The house was all aglow with candles and twinkly lights and a fire in the fireplace. An enormous tree highlighted the room. Christmas music softly playing. Hot chocolate waiting in their own special cups. And presents! Each girl was met by their mom and dad with a big hug and a "Merry Christmas". Once we all were settled with coffee and hot chocolate, Nate read a portion of the Christmas story out of Luke. We opened the morning with a prayer of thanks and acknowledgement for the gift of a Saviour. And then the grand opening of presents and sheer delight filled the room.

We then loaded ourselves up and took the twenty minute drive to my daughter's house for breakfast. Beautiful home baked blueberry muffins, fruit salad, frittata and bacon....simple she said. With a few more presents opened and a time of lingering, I went home and actually took a little nap. I didn't mind this time alone on Christmas. I wanted it. I had all afternoon before everyone was coming to my house for dinner. I had most of my preparations finished the day before, so my afternoon was very stress free. I took apples to Red and shared with every horse there. It felt nice to be alone at the barn. Magical. And then they were all at my house and the activity began. From there, back to my son's for dessert and more presents from me to all of them. It was a fun, very fun day. And I was happy, not sad. I think Kenny would have been pleased.

I had also made it through another big day. Ken's birthday was on December 19th and he would have been 51. I knew the day was coming of course, and although I had not planned it this way, I ended up having a little party of my own. My son and son-in-law were going to the 49'rs game that night, so I had the girls and grandkids over for cookie decorating. We started out with a bowl of soup to counteract the huge amount of sugar we would be consuming later. We made our mess, ate our cookies, and had our fun. Kenny would have been pleased with that as well.

And so now....it is over....but the Christmas spirit still lingers and that holiday feeling is still in the air. Strange as it may seem, I am finding myself more and more grateful for everything. Overwhelmingly, surprisingly, grateful.....for everything. I have been blessed. Truly.

Back

I haven't written for a long time because....well....not sure. Except that I feel I am doing so well and perhaps the need to write has not been so great.

Two days before Thanksgiving I was invited to a pre-Thanksgiving party here in Carmel Valley. The couple that threw the party are wonderful people and I was happy they reached out and gave me an invite. I went with Bridget as she would meet James there and drive home with him later. It always helps to walk through the door with someone else. Their home was big, but cozy and because they are foodies the fare set out was amazing. Wine was passed to me within minutes and I began the venture into the small crowd of people saying hello to those I knew and introducing myself to those I did not. I was having fun.

I ended up talking a bit with a man named Bill. His wife and Kenny both had the same prognosis about a year ago regarding how long they were expected to live. I had met him before, but this was the first time I had seen him in close to a year. His wife continues on with good days and bad.... Kenny of course met the deadline. Anyway, it was a nice, heartfelt talk we had about some of the things one goes through when living with a spouse you know is dying. And then I sat down with Linda, his wife, who was weak but all dolled up in her black skirt and boots. I took her hand and another very heartfelt conversation took place. I felt a genuine connection with her and I believe she did with me. I am not afraid to talk about things that for some would find uncomfortable and I think she appreciated that.

The night continued with more conversations that went beyond the light chit chat that so often accompanies a party like that. I got to know people and people got to know me. And then the night was over and after being walked to my car I sat down behind the wheel and I knew. Something felt different. Yet not really different, but actually familiar. My spark was back. I felt that the old me, yet maybe a better me, was back. I had felt it coming, but that night was different for me and it has remained so. That doesn't mean I don't shed a tear, or think of Kenny and wish he was here, but I know deep down that my life is good. Not going to be good, but good. Now. And that I am happy, and light, and able to think of others and feel their pain....or joy....or.... yes....I feel like I am back, alive and vibrant and so very glad I am!

A Life Touched

I went out the other night to meet my friend Bridget for a glass of wine before she had dinner with her husband. We met up the road at Carmel Valley Ranch, a golf course and resort type setting where they were having their weekly members night. It is a beautiful place and most often there are familiar faces there. I was glad it would be an early night, just a brief time out as I had been busy and home sounded nice.

As I was putting my jacket on and saying my good-bye after our visit, an older couple walked in that I have known for awhile. I had met them when I worked in a restaurant in Carmel and have kept loosely in touch ever since. They took me out to dinner after Kenny passed away which was very sweet and thoughtful of them and very much appreciated. They are always at Carmel's hot spot every Friday night and tell me to come out anytime, join them for dinner or a drink.... they will be there. They seem to love everyone.....they are those kind of people.

So my jacket came back off and I joined them for what I thought would be a short visit. Their friend Jim came in, a hairdresser in Carmel which I had met before, and then Jim's son Desi and his girlfriend Jessica. And so we were six, standing, sitting, mingling amongst ourselves and talking about all kinds of things. When I was introducing myself to Jessica, the first thing she said was that I looked so familiar to her. "No....sorry...but you don't look familiar to me" I said back but wished I could have said she looked familiar too. So after a lot of chit chat and a hearty invitation to join them all in Mount Shasta for Thanksgiving, I found myself sitting next to Jessica, sharing a caprese salad and telling her about Kenny. And then it clicked for her. She now knew why my face looked so very familiar to her. She told me that she had been in a very bad relationship with a guy for over three years. He battled with depression and she was alway trying to "help". She walked on eggshells and always tried to be upbeat and happy in order to draw him from his funk. One day, she came across the magazine, "65 Degrees", which is a local magazine that had written an article about Kenny and all he was going through. My picture was in it too, so that is where she had seen me before. When she read the article about Kenny, about us, and the kind of love we shared, something in her clicked. She knew that what we had was what she wanted and she needed to move on from this mismatched relationship she had found herself in. "You don't know how many times I read that article" she told me. "I knew I wanted that kind of love too". And so it was the article, the story of Kenny, and the story of our love, that gave her the courage to move on.

We basically closed the place down and I left that evening feeling alive and full. Kenny and I, and the love we had for each other, had touched a life. We had made a difference in someone else....someone young and beautiful and someone who still had her whole life ahead of her. And hopefully sweet Jessica will choose well.... she will find that love she yearns for.....and she will enjoy it every day that it is given to her. I yearned for it.....I found it....and it is still mine.....and however I can, I still enjoy.

Remember

On Saturday Hospice held what they called a "Remembrance Ceremony" for all those who had lost a loved one recently. When I got the invite, I knew it was something I wanted to go to. "Bring a picture of your loved one" the invitation said. So I found one...a favorite...of Kenny and myself. Smiling.... happy....the way we always were.

The ceremony was held at our Hospice center which is tasteful and new and really quite beautiful. I had never been there before as all of Kenny's hospice care was at our home. As I was walking down the corridor to the main meeting room I could feel the lump growing in my throat and I knew that this was going to be a very tearful experience for me. I placed my framed photo amongst the others on the table in the front. I sat quietly among the 25 or so other grieving guests, eyes mildly cast down or looking straight ahead, knowing other hearts were breaking just like mine. Even before things got started I was fighting the tears and grabbing for kleenex. It was what all of this represented...the loss....the overwhelming loss and the need to remember.

It was a simple ceremony. Poems were read. Words of encouragement about cocoons becoming butterflies....scripture readings.....and a candle lighting. On the table next to the photos of loved ones were a couple of trays filled with birdseed and next to them lay a pile of thin tapered candles. One by one people got up to light a candle and place it upright in the tray, speaking the name of their loved one and who they were. I knew I had to....wanted to do it... but I wondered how I could even get the words out. His name.....who he was to me. "Ken Jones....my husband....the love of my life". I did it...I said it....and it didn't matter that there were tears and such. It was ok to cry among these people because they too felt my pain as I did theirs.

I realize that I have my very private times of grieving and I mostly keep that to myself. I am by nature a people pleaser. I want people to feel "comfortable" around me. I want them to be happy. So I smile and laugh, I click my wine glass and say "cheers". I talk about all kinds of things and "yes...I am doing really well...." But I know better. I know that there are days when I am engulfed with the sadness of it all. When I am in the shower sobbing out loud knowing that no one hears. When time after time, through my tears I shout out "I miss you Kenny!" in a house that is so very empty. When I ask God "why......" WHY?

So being at the Remembrance Ceremony was good for me. It was good to be amongst others where grief was ok to display. Where we could cry.... be sad..... and talk about our loved ones and say how much we miss them. The hospice staff are all too familiar with grieving and they are not afraid to draw it out from you. It was refreshing in a strange sort of way. So I left that time, numb,...sad....but somehow....cleansed, or something close to it. I was glad I took the time to go. To spill the tears, to feel the pain, to light the candle.... but so much more than that ....to remember.