Days

The days seem to be getting harder, or at least lately they have been. Hopefully things will change and it won't be so hard too much longer. I know that seems to be how life itself is. Some times are really tough, but they don't stay that way. And if you're happy and on easy street....hang on...it's coming!

Poor Kenny. He is so sweet and tries so hard to keep me happy. Yesterday was Saturday and we were offered tickets to the AT&T. Ken is (was) a golfer, so he thought he would enjoy it. He usually goes every year since we live right here. Anyway, I so wanted our friend who offered the tickets to just take him and let me have some alone time at the house. But no...we all went and I struggled all day yesterday. I think I was overwhelmed with the thought that when things get really rough I am going to be "it".....that no one else will be able or willing to step up and help me out in the ways I really need help.

....and another

Another difficult day. Started out on the wrong foot. Ken got up soon after I did and I felt I didn't get that "alone time" I need in the morning. It just went down from there. I think the truth is, I need some alone time. I need regroup time. I need ME for awhile!

OK....I am better now. Tonight, another night of TV watching.

Resentful

Yesterday was a bit stressful for me. Just getting "peopled out" mainly, but we were having a Superbowl party and I really needed to keep going even if I did get a bit moody. Ken's sister is visiting (love her) and so we have been engaged, which followed a pretty busy week with other "people encounters". Ken loves it, but I find myself needing alone time and space in order to regroup. I get drained, moody and......resentful?

I was thinking/praying about that this morning. Am I feeling resentful here? I thought yes...fleeting....but yes. And I don't want to. No. There is no reason for it....or should I say there is no place to direct it. I can't be resentful toward Kenny....the sweetest man I know....no, I cannot be resentful toward him. He didn't ask for ALS. He is going through this tough road with flying colors and no complaints. How could I hold resentment toward him? God? No...I have never been one to get mad or resentful toward God. He has been nothing but good and loving toward me. He knows me and always has my best in mind. Do I always like the path I am on? No...but even still, I cannot be resentful toward Him. And so...I think I have no room to let resentment abide in my heart. I see it fleetingly, but I will not, by God's grace, let it land. It saddens me that this has even come up....but then I think....this is pretty normal....don't let it get you down.

Saturday

Today is Saturday and I am sitting at the kitchen table. It is still early enough to not worry yet about getting breakfast ready. We are having people over for pancakes so that means no jammies. It has been a busy week with people. I realize as I look at my calendar that I had lunch or breakfast out with friends three days in a row....two without Kenny...one with. This weekend will be full of people and activity and I find myself already looking forward to a slower next week.

Last night Kenny was sad for the first time really. At least showing his sadness to me in the degree that he did. We watched Dateline (which we always do) and it was about an abduction and the hope of finding this young lady alive. She was not and her family was very sad. When the show was over, Kenny leaned over to me and whispered, "I wish I didn't have to go"....and I could see such sadness in his eyes and tears. It made me sad too of course. I know this is going to get harder as the time draws nearer. I was thinking though....it is not too late for a miracle...."wouldn't that be great God"?!

I got a book called "Heaven is for Real" and started reading it out loud last night. I think it will be encouraging and inspiring for the both of us.

Time ticks

I realize that we are already in February. The months are going by so quickly yet I hardly seem aware of actual dates. I feel I am in a blur so much of the time. These past few days there have been some hospitality activities thrown my way....Aunt and Uncle over last night for a basketball game and dinner, Saturday morning pancakes with two people I hardly know, Ken's sister coming in Saturday afternoon, and then Superbowl Sunday....here, our place, 13 people. When these things all came up (the A & U and the pancakes deal were last minute) I found myself almost immobilized....like "what do I do"? I made it through last night's ball game and it was perfect. Company arrived at 4 so I had appetizers sitting on the coffee table...wine....and then when the game was over we had chicken salads and watched Ken's interview. It was a good night. One down. I am just having a hard time when it comes to planning ANYTHING. So...today...I need to get better organized because once this weekend hits it is going to be a bit of a whirlwind.