Sunday, March 20, 2011

Feeling Selfish

This is getting hard. Caregiving. As much as I love Kenny, it does not make it any easier at times getting up from a dead sleep and helping him pee. Last night, bed by 11. Up once to get him a drink of water, then another time to pee. All in an hours time. Up again at 2:30. Again, 7:10. I wanted to just stay in bed forever today....getting up means facing it all over again. But then there was the 9:15 pee time and I realized I cannot sleep my life away. From that moment, Ken is up, and life as his caregiver begins. Or should I say continues.

I hope and pray I can do this well. At times I feel so utterly selfish in that I want MY life to be normal when here I have a dying husband beside me. Ken says he thinks it is equally hard...our two lots in life....but I think if I was in his shoes I would be totally miserable to be around. He is sweet, sweet, sweet.

I sometimes think a little help from a little pill would be nice. Just something to calm me. I cry so easily these days. My sister thinks I am "nervous, and you've never been nervous before". I know I am. But the thought of medicating myself? I think this won't work but maybe it is worth a try. I know I am depressed. I am still in my PJ's and it is 2:30. This is becoming normal for me.

My world is getting small and smaller. Things I love to do, I do less and less. I have kept one thing somewhat consistent and that is seeing Dixie. I ride her a couple of times a week, but see her almost every day. I didn't go rained all day. Today too, but maybe i can get it together and go see her. She is not a burden...not something I "have" to do. She is a joy I hold on to. It is just sometimes I get hunkered down in the house and want to stay.

I daydream about my future. I mostly don't see myself going back to those things I love. (like cooking, or gardening, or setting a fine table....) I mostly see myself as some sorry, sad individual who rides a horse. Alone. I see myself alone most of the time. To work up the umph for a true, honestly good relationship again sounds almost appalling to me. Sometimes I see things differently. I imagine another man in my life....healthy and strong and one who adores me like Kenny adores me. I live in a nice house and ride a nice horse. I cook meals and entertain. I sip wine on warm evenings outside looking over a beautiful something. I find solace in these thoughts sometimes but I also feel the need to stay in the here and now. THIS is my life. THIS is where I need to stay.

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