My Life Saver

I have a life saver and his name is Red. I don't know how I would have gone through this past year without my Kenny had it not been for him. From the moment I got him I loved him. We bonded. We became a pair. He needed me and I most certainly needed him.  He knows the sound of my car and even before I park he is at the fence waiting for me, ears perked, ready to go.

I have had Red (aka: Red Hot Command) for just over a year. I board him at a trainers facility where I am in partial training. Although I rode as a kid and knew the basics, I was clueless in the kind of riding that I wanted to do, which is Ranch Versatility. Ranch Versatility is basically an event which shows off what a good ranch horse can do. This would include things like a trail course, reining patterns, boxing and cutting cows, roping....etc. Red is a finished reined cow horse, so he is really, really good with cows. I on the other hand am having to learn. I am getting braver. It can be intimidating running your horse along side a cow and keeping it from getting past you. "I'm afraid I am going to crash Red into the fence" (!!!) I would tell my trainer and she has assured me that he knows better....he can stop before that happens. So I am learning to let go....to kick up the speed....to trust.

I've been in several competitions over the spring and summer and all in all feel we did really well as first timers. It has given me something to work at.... to focus on....to do. These coming months will be spent getting ready for the next years events. There are a lot of things to work on in the days ahead and I will enjoy every minute of it. And most certainly I will love my horse and he will love me back. And that, in a nutshell, is all that really matters.

Lehigh University

Last weekend I went to a dedication in Kenny's honor at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where he graduated from college. The college is old and grand and very much "East Coast".  Kenny was not only tremendously smart, but he was also highly athletic and played two varsity sports throughout college....football and track and field. He broke the decathlon record back in 1983 and it has never been broken since. His Chi Psi brothers had decided to raise money for a new "Ken Jones Records Board" to be placed in the newly refurbished indoor track and field house....a board which would display all the records which Lehigh held in track and field.  The dedication and ribbon cutting of the new field house and the display of the new records board was last weekend, and I, along with another two hundred people attended. His family was there, fraternity brothers, friends, coaches, etc.

It was a crisp fall morning, and before the ribbon cutting a brunch was held in the outdoor pavilion. As I was walking up I felt the emotion rising, I felt the tears wanting to come full force. This was for "him". This gathering of people, this festive yet somewhat somber event. I found his mother in whom I had not seen since Kenny's memorial service although I talk with her often on the phone. His sister, niece, and friends that I had met before. It was good to be there in the company of people who knew my Kenny and loved him dearly. From there we went to the door of the new field house where I, along with his old coach and a fraternity brother cut the ribbon. We filed into the large building and gathered under the huge records board. There we had a short presentation and words were spoken about Kenny. Next to the board off to the side, was a smaller board with a picture of Kenny, date of birth and death, and a bio of his life. What an accomplished man he was.

From there we went to the early afternoon Lehigh football game and then on to Kenny's old frat house for a reception party. It was here that I mingled among his old fraternity brothers and their wives, most of whom I had met before. His sister had thrown a party with all of them just days before Kenny had to move into his wheelchair, so my first meeting with all of them was then. I loved hearing story after story about him that I had not heard before....still getting to know my Kenny. "It's not because he is gone from us that we say all these wonderful things about him....he was truly wonderful and humble even back then and we really, really loved him", was the gist of many conversations.

It was great being there. And the tearful emotion that overtook me in the beginning had moved on to a joyful, happy, and heartwarming emotion. I felt proud that I had known this man. And not only did I know him, but I was loved by him. This man with all his amazing accomplishments and great successes in life had chosen me to be his life partner. Someone said to me, and I can't remember who, that of all the great things Kenny had in this life, I was what mattered most to him. I actually really do believe that....because he told me so himself.

Anniversary

Today would have been Kenny and my third anniversary. We only celebrated our first, he was gone before the second, and now, another year. I can hardly believe it. It has now been just over 15 months since Kenny left.

 I remember April 2011, about a month before Kenny died and he said, "I think I am going to be here for our second anniversary". I wish I could say I was thrilled for his optimism and truly hoped he would be here in September, but the awful truth is I shuddered at the thought. I was worried that I would not be able to take care of Kenny in the end. Afraid I would not have the strength to get him out of bed, move him to his wheelchair, help him in all the ways he needed my help. Afraid the stress and my nerves would fail me and I would somehow lash out at Kenny and make him feel like a burden. I felt like I was walking on thin ice that was about to crash through at any time....and he was talking of hanging in there for another four months? It sounded overwhelming to me.....could I do it? I didn't think so and apparently God didn't think so either because He took Kenny home the following month. My second anniversary was to be spent alone. And now, my third, alone again by choice.

One thing I have learned about dealing with a loved one who is dying and the grief that follows once they are gone is that there is no script to adhere to. Nothing that says, "this is how it will all go down". I think it must be different for everyone....different and yet the same. Pain is pain and we all must go through it at some point in our lives.  But I have learned to be easy on myself. To be ok with where I am at knowing it is a process and something I have to go through.

So I will stay home alone all day on a third anniversary....canceling previous plans because I just don't feel like being with people. I can do that....I get to do that.... I must do that.

So...."Happy Anniversary to the best, sweetest, most amazing husband that ever lived! You were the most wonderful person I have ever known and you changed my life forever. I so look forward to the day when I will see you again." (sigh)

Sleepless in Seattle

Saturday night I stayed home and flicked through the TV stations trying to find something interesting to watch. I landed on Sleepless in Seattle, a favorite movie I have watched at least a half a dozen times before. It had been a few years since I last saw it, so I settled down with my popcorn and a glass of white wine to watch. I've always enjoyed the movie, concentrating solely on the love story developing between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. But this time I saw it with different eyes. I saw the part where 'Sam' was grief stricken over the loss of his wife and he could not see how life could go on without her.


This conversation struck me....


Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife? 
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic. 

Yes, I cried watching the movie. But I also was a little hopeful too. I realize Dr. Marcia Fieldstone is just an imaginary "doctor" in a movie, but what she said gave me something to think about....."People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again". I kinda agree.

I Danced

I danced last night. It was the first time I have danced in over two years. Kenny and I would dance whenever there was an opportunity. Neither one of us were great at it, but we both knew how to move to the beat, and even more importantly, we both just had fun. On a cruise we would go to the dance classes that were made available and practice what we learned. Here in Monterey we took dance lessons, whether country line dancing or ballroom. We were in the process of ballroom dance lessons when ALS took over and he no longer could keep up. That was the end of dancing for us, and the end of dancing for me.

There is a hot spot here in the valley called Baja Cantina. It is a Mexican food restaurant with a large patio where a band plays on weekends. Margaritas and beer are flowing, a huge glowing fire is keeping everyone warm, colored lights are criss crossed overhead, and people dance. Last night we were a table of eight and I had invited my friend Rob to join as I am just plain tired of flying solo to every event I go to. We had a table inside, enjoyed our meal, and could hear the band starting up outside. When the bill had been paid, we all headed outside. Before I could think of an excuse not to dance, or muster the courage up to actually do it, Rob grabbed my hand and had me out on the floor. And it was great. It was fun. It made me smile and laugh and feel all aglow. I didn't want to stop and indeed we stayed until the last song played.

I wondered if and when I would every feel like dancing again. I've sat and watched others dance but never felt up to getting out there myself. I have been coaxed to "come on and dance with us" but I had absolutely no desire so I would sit on the sidelines watching. But last night was different. Last night, I did it. I was ready. And it felt right....and it felt good.

Another birthday....

I made it through the year and hit every "special" day once, so now that I am in the second year, I thought things might be easier. Perhaps certain days will be, but yesterday was my birthday and it was not easy at all. I am not sure why my birthday happens to be a day that is so hard....I know last year it was harder than even Kenny's birthday...or even our anniversary. It just hits me hard.  I realized yesterday that it is not only Kenny I miss, but my mom too. Both made my birthday special at different times in my life. Thank you, Kenny! Thank you, Mom!

I woke up at 6:30 and said out loud to my cat..."today's my birthday"....and tears came. I fell back asleep and an hour later woke up crying. I was dreaming I was in the shower, soap in my hair and a song was playing. I was listening to the words and they reminded me of Kenny. I took the towel and held it as though I was holding Kenny and I started slow dancing in the shower, crying my eyes out. I woke up with that....tears, bawling really, and a heavy, heavy heart. Yes, this was going to be a tough day.

That darn dream set me up for a very tearful morning. I had not made any plans, and most of my friends are not aware of my birthday, so it was a quiet morning save a few calls and texts from close friends and family. I chose not to go to church, simply because I didn't want to. I puttered around, watered the garden, fixed a quesadilla for breakfast, and headed over to visit with Red. By the time I came home I had that old familiar exhaustion that comes when my emotions are raw. I crawled in bed at 11:30 knowing I had plenty of time before my lunch with the kids at 1:30. I woke at 1, startled I had been in bed so long, showered and got myself out the door to spend the afternoon with the kids. I would love to say I rallied completely and that I was happy, but I felt the tears so close to the surface it was hard  to be completely engaged. I told the kids about my dream....my day....and they understood. It was a nice afternoon though and I was thankful for the time spent.

Fortunately I had told my friend Rob to keep the night open. When I left the kids house close to six, I really could have gone home and crawled back in bed. But a plan had been made, so I went home, freshened up and met Rob in Carmel. If there is one person on earth that can make me laugh it is Rob. He is fun, really fun, and he always cracks me up even without trying to. It took awhile...but after a glass of wine and good conversation, I felt my old me, my happier me, come back. I was too full to eat because of my late lunch, but I picked sweet potato fries from his plate, and the bartender, who overheard it was my birthday, brought out a huge brownie sundae. So we ate most of it....my second dessert of the day.

My day ended on a good note. My last tears were in the early evening when I told Rob about my dream, and then the night just got better. Tears are part of life, I know this.....there will always be sad times. But there are happy times too. I had both yesterday, and was glad to have ended the day well.

I Made It Through

Well, I have now officially made it through my first year without Kenny. The month of May was a hard one, mostly because I knew that the 24th was approaching. It came and went, and for the most part I felt much like I did last year after Kenny was gone except in lighter measure. I was tired, emotionally drained and wanting to stick close to home. My bed and my couch were my friends. I could feel it coming on weeks before, but the week of the 24th was when I wanted nothing more than spend most of my time alone. I slept much more than usual, crawling into bed late morning and again in the afternoon. At one point I wondered if I was fighting something as I felt so awfully tired, but no, this was something familiar and it had nothing to do with being sick.

The 24th fell on a Thursday. The following Tuesday I woke up and thought to myself, I am tired of this. I am going to make some choices today that may be hard to do, but I am going to do them. I want/need to feel happy again. So I put on my walking shoes and walked the trails at Garland Park. This place is my usual stomping ground as it is literally around the block from my house and offers 4500 acres of hiking trails. It would be a shame not to take advantage. So I walked that day as I do most days, and I cried as usual at some point on the trail, but it was what I needed. It was the beginning of climbing out of that dark hole. The hole that Kenny would not want me to stay in.

Friday night I ended up going to Carmel Valley Ranch for a glass of wine and bite to eat. I ended up sitting with a few friends and one of them told me she had someone she wanted to set me up with. He was a client of hers who had lost his wife last June. He is 62, from Michigan, lives in Pebble Beach, retired from some position with GM. "Handsome", "tall", "looks good in his jeans" she said. Sounds ideal. I found myself interested and responded with an enthusiastic "set me up"! But I know this.....there will probably be a lot of these little hopeful twists. Someone that sparks my interest but in the end, just not right for me. I know Kenny wants me to find someone. "You're a lover and a wonderful partner...you are made to be with someone" he would tell me and I believe that is true. I do want/hope to fall in love again. But there are some pretty big shoes to fill here and I know it will take nothing less than an act of God to bring me someone who loves me like that. But one thing I know for sure....God is good, and God is able.