A Hard Day

Yesterday was a hard day. I cried a lot. This morning too. I cannot believe this is happening. I read a lot of material about ALS....my husband reading it too. He is so even about everything...I seem so up and down....but lately down.

I know he wanted to cheer me up so decided to have lunch at Bernardus. A lovely place...the weather was perfect. We had picked up a wheelchair the day before and he said maybe for experiment sake we could try out the wheelchair. I lost it. Not the bawling out loud stuff, but a steady stream of quiet tears. I am not ready for that! I feel like a wheelchair is a huge turn in the road and I just don't want to do it.

Today I had a class at 8 a.m. so was on the road early. Prayed while driving which lead to more tears. I pretty much had those tears early and the rest of the day has been ok. Laid in the sun...went to see Sex and the City. Glass of wine on the deck at home afterwards...soon...Bachelorette!!! So...no tears. I need to be this more. Happy and in love. If these truly are my husbands last days I want them to be happy ones.

Sunday

Today we woke up to teeny, tiny turkeys on our back deck. They were making their way to the roof where hopefully mommy turkey was. I love these little joys. Living in the country has been such a treat for me. I look at our small house....perfect for the two of us. We bought things in "twos" too. Two adirondack chairs, two lounge chairs etc. We are meant to be a pair for a long, long time. I cannot imagine life without my Kenny!

Yesterday proved to be a good day. This again proves to me the importance of living one day at a time. We drove to Oakland and had lunch with CB, then met my sis to pick up a wheelchair. UGH. The thought of it. I have a hard time imagining that we are close to that point. Yesterday I was talking with Ben and Ruth, telling them how difficult it is for Kenny to get up from the couch. Ben offered to buy Kenny one of those chairs that helps you stand. I told Kenny about that and he said it wouldn't really be worth it since those chairs are made for people who can stand...and he won't even be able to do that. That a better investment might be a hoist type thing to help move him from bed/couch to wheelchair. Tears are coming again....

My ex sent Ken a card with his condolences. Thoughtful, I thought. Ken's ex will be coming here soon to participate in a business meeting. She has wanted nothing to do with me, so it will be interesting to see if she is willing to meet me at this point. I really don't care.

Kenny and I are reading the book "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobson every morning. A chapter a day. Very good. Such a great reminder that even though we are going through all this stuff, our God is very near and loves us very much. I could not, would not, want to go through this time without Him!

Another day

Yesterday was a good day. I am trying to keep it that way. One day at a time..and good. I had lunch with Debbie J., my old friend with whom I have not really had much of a relationship in years. I lost the friendship with many people when I divorced my husband of almost 30 years. I was a pastor's wife...had a lot of people around me, but few during the time of divorce. Not all because I was abandoned. I am sure it was mostly my desire to remove myself. I know people would feel the need to tell me I shouldn't do this and frankly the decision was made. I spared them of having to do that. But now....four years later and a new, wonderful husband, I am feeling the desire to reconnect with some of my old friends. Especially since my husband has been diagnosed with ALS. I know the road ahead will be tough and friends are always good to have around for moral support. The one thing I need to remember is when I do get together with my old friends is that I really need to leave the past in the past. I talked too much yesterday about this and that and today I have regret. I don't need/want to be bringing up what happened and why. No ones business and again...it does no good. So....I learn. And move on. And hopefully I will stick to this and not be drawn in when I get together with my next old buddy.

I went to my old work place yesterday too. A lovely restaurant with lovely people working there and lovely customers too. There were a few old customers I would see on a regular basis that I sat with and caught up. Two, I mentioned Ken's condition- both turned very grave. One told me his brother died of ALS....a horrible disease he said. He got teary as he told me what a rough road was ahead. I know it...but I don't really KNOW it. I think there is still a measure of denial....this really isn't happening. All will be ok. Kenny will be fine again. "Lord, please!"

Today Kenny and I are going to Oakland to meet a friend for lunch who is visiting from Idaho. From there we will meet up with my sister who is going to give us a wheelchair. A wheelchair. So far, life has not been too distressing. Sure, I have to help Kenny get dressed and a few other things, but for the most part everything else is as normal. Sure, no more long walks or exercise classes, hikes or dance classes. But that has not been hard to handle. A wheelchair though. That is the beginning of different. The beginning of difficult. The beginning of "I don't want to do this anymore!" and yet I know it truly is just the beginning.

The man yesterday that I spoke with. I asked him if his brother was able to stay home and he said yes, up to the last few months, then he was in an assisted living place. Kenny had mentioned moving to one...the both of us. Depressing? yes. I am sure it would be. I want to stay here, in my lovely house in CV. Even without Kenny I want to stay here. But I cannot imagine being separated from him and I am sure he would not want that either. What to do? I don't know, but I also know I don't need to worry about it now. Today is a new day, and I believe it will be a good one. I can do today with the help of the Lord.

Friday

I will most likely write ever day or close to it. I have always been a journal writer and this will perhaps take it's place. You see, I just got a MacBook laptop so I can now sit on my bed and type away.

Ken and I went to a local restaurants birthday party last night. We saw a lot of people we knew. A few I was able to share about Ken's condition. It really floors people when they find out. Everyone has always commented on what a cute and perfect couple we are. Ken is 6'3", tall, dark, and handsome. I love being by his side. The love we have for each other is evident to all.

I hope I can do this. Caring for him the way he is going to need it. He told me this morning that he is not sure how much longer he is going to be able to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night by himself. I never want to resent his neediness and in fact always try to imagine how he would be treating me if the tables were turned. He would care for me with joy and sweetness probably 100% of the time. That is how he is. I on the other hand am not that sweet although he always says I am. I am all too aware of my selfishness. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night to take him to the bathroom.

I must go to the One who will give me all I need, when I need it. My husband has said many times "God will not give us more than we can handle". I suppose for me, a better way to see it is, yes...He will give us more than we can handle, but He will be our strength through it. We will need to rely on Him. How faithful He is!

A Start....

Ok...here I am. I finally did it. Not sure how still, but I am thinking I actually have a blog up and hopefully going!

I want to write about things I think, feel and wonder about. I am in a strange place in life and would like to keep track of thoughts as much as possible.

My name is Karin and I will be 55 in July. I feel so young...much younger than my years. I have two grown kids...both doing great with great spouses. I have 5 grandkids and one more on the way. I spent most of my adult life with a man that was a very poor fit for me. I finally divorced after a lot of painful things (perhaps that will come out later) and was on my very own for the first time at the age of 50.

I am a Christian. I went through a period of feeling far from the Lord. Partly because of my "failure", partly because I just didn't want to struggle.

I met a man just over three years ago. Gorgeous. When we met I think it is fair to say it was love at first sight. We have been pretty much inseparable ever since. I have never, ever felt so loved. He is amazing. Perfect for me. He adores me and lets me know in a million different ways. I adore him too and he lets me love him the way I need to love. Beautiful. We got married in September. Moved into a little love nest in beautiful Carmel Valley. What a perfect life.

He is 49 years old and he was just diagnosed with ALS. That means I won't have him long. I am not sure what else that means but I know it will be difficult. I know I need to live one day at a time. I know the Lord will give us strength to go through this. I still hope for a miracle.

I have a multitude of thoughts. But I will end here. Tomorrow is another day...