Life

Life goes on. Love goes on too. I want to love this man that God has put in my life. I want to love him well. I know I have days when I feel tired or frustrated by the situation. How do you live one day at a time when this whole huge future seems so scarry. But by God's grace I do. By His strength I will.

I have my own issues. Things completely separate from my husbands ALS. They seem so small, but I feel I need to make sure I am heard too. My husband wants that. I know. But it is so hard to share some silly thing I am going through when my husband is dying.

Today. Somewhat hard. But... life is precious and I want to truly live.

Days go by

Here we are. Summer. I can hardly believe we are almost through the month of June. Ken continues to weaken. To me, rapidly. Just January he thought he had carpel tunnel. Now he has ALS and can hardly walk. He fell yesterday in the house and almost hit his head on the fireplace hearth. He didn't seem fazed by it but I was.

We had people over last night. A spontaneous call for "Happy Hour at our house at 5"! It was great fun...about 10 of us. We all thought...why not keep this up...go to each others homes...everyone can bring an appetizer and bottle of wine. Sounds like fun to me.

Kenny and I have been referring to our place as living in the south of France. Indeed it feels like that and our lifestyle feels it to be so. We are living simply, loving life. Drinking our wine on the deck which overlooks nothing but trees and the hills beyond. My garden is yielding now. We have had the best broccoli I have ever eaten from our garden. Lettuce...just go and pick what I need for salad...I love it!

We are talking about learning the French language. Ah...won't that be sweet?

Hope!

Yesterday we went to Stanford for a second opinion. I was pretty much thinking 'what's the point'? since Ken was diagnosed at UCSF with ALS. Quit a reputable place. How could they be wrong... Well...they may be...possibly.

Basically the doctor at Stanford said that Ken's is a perplexing case. He said if he was going to diagnose him based on the information he had, he would lean very much toward MMN. But since Ken did not respond to treatment, he would have to lean toward ALS. But Ken has no reflexes which seem to be the perplexing part of the ALS diagnosis. He has nothing going on with his mouth either.

Anyway...more tests. A little more time to hope. I really believe this is all going to turn out OK. Ken will be well one day. God will heal...and it will most definitely be HIM that does it. A miracle indeed.

Monday

We had a very fun weekend. By the end of it I was pretty "peopled out". I get that more than Kenny and think he should get himself back in the PC club to have other around him.

On Friday, I went to the lunch bunch, then Nate & C came over with kids...hung out until we left for dinner with another couple...Sat....BBQ (early...4) until 9....Sunday...church...Laplaya Garden Party....Small group meeting for dinner. AHHH. It's Monday....a small reprieve!

I can see things a different and will only continue to get more so. Ken sat throughout the whole garden party. I got the wine...food...others came by to chat. I know this is how it will be from now on. I dropped him off...picked him up.... I felt edgy by the end, mostly because I was wanting down time and we still had two more events to go to (one we cancelled).

At the prayer time in our small group, Kenny prayed and was teary. I asked him about his tears after and he said he is just worried about me. That is my guy....I adore him.

It's a Beautiful Day!

I talked with my ex sister-in-law yesterday. I hadn't talked with her for awhile so she heard for the first time that Ken has ALS. She was very encouraging. She said I would be fine. She said I know a lot about love, and men and how to be...that there would be someone new for me someday. Funny...writing this, I think...what is so encouraging about THAT....it sounds sad. But, it did and does encourage me. I will be ok...no matter what happens.

Today I am going to join some friends on the patio of Bernardus in Carmel Valley for a glass of wine. The weather could not be more perfect. My kids are at the CV river today so I told them to stop over for a visit after. I hope they come.

Tonight...dinner on the wharf with another couple. Could life be much sweeter? Well...yes, of course it could be. I would like my husband to be well. But even so...it is a beautiful day and I have much to be thankful for.

Better....

Things are a little brighter. Not sure why, other than that is what life is like. Not all days are hard, and not all days are bright. We could not survive if we lived in the dark too long. The Lord has been my help...this I know.

We go to Stanford a week from today for a second opinion. I still hope...very much so, that this is not what they think it is...or even if so...the Lord will heal and I will have my beautiful husband for a long time to come.

One thing I know for sure...I want to truly love my husband the way he deserves to be loved every day...no matter what. I want to love him well and I know there will be days when that may not come naturally. I need to remember...the Lord will love through me if I just let Him.