Friday, June 17, 2011


It's Friday night and I have chosen to spend the night alone. I actually haven't even left the house all day except to go get the mail. I had dinner plans with a nice older couple I had met a few years ago at my work place. She has been a widow before and understands this strange time I am in. She had given me an 'out' if I needed one...."you can always cancel if you're just not up to it". So I did. This morning. I woke up with the the thought...."I just want to be home all plans".

I have not been spending all my days at home and in bed. Actually, I have been out almost every night this week (one person cancelled on me...yeah!) with friends and family and frankly, I just wanted some down time. I know tomorrow the family will be arriving for Ken's memorial service so once again I will be in the throes of people. I am looking forward to seeing Ken's family though. We all loved him so much and it will be nice to be together with others who loved him in a very special way.

These truly have been strange days for me. There was a great scripture that my niece sent me in February and I still draw from it today.

"I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make the darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them". Isaiah 42:16,17

I find a lot of comfort in knowing that even though I have not been down this road before I know the Lord will guide me. He certainly went before us during Ken's illness, and I believe He will do the same for me today. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed these past few days. Even though Kenny tried to prepare me, there are so many 'things' coming in the mail that I am not sure how to deal with. Nate and I will get together tomorrow morning and hopefully he can help ease my burden. I don't like, I don't like it at all.

I think over all I am doing pretty well. I went to work out at the ranch yesterday and ran into someone I sort of know. We got to talking....I told her about Kenny. She remembered him and told me that she too was a widow. It has been eight years for her and she was just able to clear out his clothes last year. She said she didn't do anything at all for the first two years. I asked if they had talked about his death and dying much and she said not at all. She realizes, as I do, that the lack of communication, of working through the hard and the inevitable as a couple, can be such a huge set back. She experienced it, and I think she has regret. I will be forever grateful for the ease and openness Kenny had in his final journey. We talked often and openly and I know it has been a great source of strength and healing for me. "Thank you, Kenny!"

For me, I believe my darkest days are behind me. When Kenny received his diagnosis, my world caved in. I could not believe that this man that I had longed for my whole life, this man who truly 'got me', was not going to ultimately be with me. Not for long anyway. I could not accept that. I prayed and pleaded...denied it was happening, and cried my eyes out. No...this is not going to happen. But it did. I honestly feel like much of my grieving is behind me. I had come to that acceptance phase months ago.... and even though there are sad and lonely times... I still accept. This is my lot. This it what has been handed to me and I am trying to receive it with grace. God is good and I know I am loved. My life will go on, and I believe it will go on with joy and love and all the good things that God has in store for those who are His. One of God's best and greatest gifts ever given to me was Kenny. He changed me... helped me... believed in me. He taught me an awful lot about life and love, and I will be forever changed because of him. Forever better. Forever loved. "Thank you...."

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