Thursday, June 2, 2011


Yesterday was a good day and I think some of it spilled over to today. I didn't leave the house the day before and the day before that almost as much. I spent a lot of time in bed, just feeling drained. Sad too, I'm sure, but truly, physically, just really tired. Bed was a huge draw. I laid there and said to myself "you've got to pull it can't just lay around all day".....and then I thought, hey, I can do this. I just lost my husband, I can lay around. I can, and I did. If I am doing that six months from now I will give myself another talk.

I woke up yesterday morning with a text from a new friend inviting me to come to her barn and she would give me a horseback riding lesson. I had a plan! Something to get me out of the house. We had a date for 11 o'clock and I was there on the button. I had a really good time. Horses are so therapeutic for me. I stayed for a few hours and knew I needed to go to Salinas which was on my way home. I needed to stop at the mortuary to pick up Kenny's death certificate. I was feeling pretty good and decided I really wanted to get a haircut on the way so I came across a Super Cuts and "Juana" started cutting my hair. I was a little worried as she seemed to be taking off a whole lot more than I indicated but she seemed pretty confident so I just went with it. Loved it. So I picked up the death certificates and it did not seem to change my mood. I came home, showered, and met friends for a glass of wine which ended up being dinner too. I got home around 9. Being alone, I don't really like coming in after dark, so I make it a point to get home when there is still a little light in the sky. I am not sure what I am going to do when winter is here and it is dark by 5. Maybe I'll be braver then.

So, I had a good day yesterday. And a pretty good day today too. I would have liked to crawl back in bed around noon, but I knew I was getting together with a couple of pastors at 3 to discuss the memorial service. So instead of crawling back in bed, I got dressed and ran a few errands before the meeting. The meeting went well and we came away with a plan. I am not good at this stuff so I am thankful for the guidance they provided. I was on my way home and realized I was really hungry but didn't feel like going home to eat, nor did I feel like eating alone. I called an old friend and she met me for a bite. A good way to end the day. Now home, long before dark. The TV is my friend tonight.

Such a strange time I am living in. I have no clue what lies before me and I can get a little scared when I think about it. But one thing I do know. I need to live in the same truth that I lived in when Kenny was diagnosed. We said, "one day at a time"..... and it works. Jesus said so..."don't worry about tomorrow.....tomorrow has enough cares of it's own". I know whenever I didn't live one day at a time, I would worry about Kenny. How was I going to take care of him....what if..... And now, I know that so many things I worried about never happened. I never needed to worry, but just live each day as it comes and live it to the fullest. That is what I need to do now. I don't need to worry and I don't need to know everything ahead of time. I just need to live each day as it comes and by God's grace I will.

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