Sunday, June 26, 2011

One Month, Two Days

I can hardly believe that over one month ago now, Kenny left. His memorial service was just last week and I have to say it was both beautiful and honoring of my Kenny. I had all the emotions that go along with a service like that. I cried, I smiled, I laughed out loud. There was joy and sorrow both and I have to say I was glad when the day was over. For me, it was a big hurdle to get over, and once I was over it, I wanted nothing more than to go home, wrap myself in a blanket on the couch and zone out in front of the TV.

I keep thinking....."ok...NOW is the time when you have to get it together". I think as long as the memorial service was looming in front of me, I felt it was ok to grieve in my PJ's all day if I felt like it. But now, I am feeling like I need to move on....there are no more 'markers' in the road to ease my expectation. No more hurdles to jump. Just a long, long road ahead and one that I have never been on before. I have a hard time seeing much beyond today. To me right now, the road ahead looks flat, and dry and dusty, and so uninviting. But it is the only road in front of me.... and so I go.

I have a lot of friends and a lot of opportunities to get out. I take advantage of them... find myself having a good time...and then I crawl back home and hole up for a few days. I am finding my way. Today I was planning on going to church, but I was up so early that as the time to get ready approached, I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. I made a bed on the couch and ended up staying there until noon. Then, this afternoon I went to the stables. I have a friend that is 'loaning' me her horse to love on until I can get my own. Her name is Char and we are just getting to know each other. I took her out and walked her around and we had a chat. I was alone at the barn, so I felt free to have a good long talk and bonding time with her. I ended up in a puddle of tears and emailed her owner telling her I think I am now officially her auntie. I think a horse is really important for me right now and I am trying to be patient on acquiring my own. I need to wait for now....but in time the right one will come along and the timing will be perfect. Waiting is hard....but at least I have a horse to love in the meantime....

I was talking with my son the other day. He was asking how I was doing. I think I am at the place where I am standing back and thinking "wow...what just happened?" While Kenny was alive, I was so focused on the day to day. I was focused on getting us through another day well. I had almost forgotten that there was a time when we were vibrant and healthy and looked forward to a whole life together. Those thoughts did not enter my mind much during his illness..... it was what lie ahead that consumed me. It was thoughts of the imminent future that frightened me. "Can we do this....can I do this?" But now, I have time to look back. Time to think about what we had. Such a small amount of time together and gone so quickly. I look at pictures and my heart breaks. He the love of my life and I am still reeling from all that has transpired these past few years. But this one thing I know....I would not change anything. Of course I would change things if I could. But I can't bring Kenny back. But I will forever be grateful for what we had. For what I had. It was great. It was wonderful. It was....everything.

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