Christmas

Christmas has come and gone and I realize that I made it through the season very well. Kenny and I were only together for a few Christmases, and had not really developed traditions of our own. He simply joined me in mine. So this year I did much of what I have always done, spent it with the kids and grandkids. Christmas Eve I went to my son's church for their service and then we all ate at the church's grill. After that, back to my son's house along with my daughter and her family where we all had peppermint sundaes and watched the kids open their Christmas jammies.

I spent the night at their house and the next morning we were up at 6. As I watched their three daughters come downstairs I was struck with how incredibly blessed these girls are. The house was all aglow with candles and twinkly lights and a fire in the fireplace. An enormous tree highlighted the room. Christmas music softly playing. Hot chocolate waiting in their own special cups. And presents! Each girl was met by their mom and dad with a big hug and a "Merry Christmas". Once we all were settled with coffee and hot chocolate, Nate read a portion of the Christmas story out of Luke. We opened the morning with a prayer of thanks and acknowledgement for the gift of a Saviour. And then the grand opening of presents and sheer delight filled the room.

We then loaded ourselves up and took the twenty minute drive to my daughter's house for breakfast. Beautiful home baked blueberry muffins, fruit salad, frittata and bacon....simple she said. With a few more presents opened and a time of lingering, I went home and actually took a little nap. I didn't mind this time alone on Christmas. I wanted it. I had all afternoon before everyone was coming to my house for dinner. I had most of my preparations finished the day before, so my afternoon was very stress free. I took apples to Red and shared with every horse there. It felt nice to be alone at the barn. Magical. And then they were all at my house and the activity began. From there, back to my son's for dessert and more presents from me to all of them. It was a fun, very fun day. And I was happy, not sad. I think Kenny would have been pleased.

I had also made it through another big day. Ken's birthday was on December 19th and he would have been 51. I knew the day was coming of course, and although I had not planned it this way, I ended up having a little party of my own. My son and son-in-law were going to the 49'rs game that night, so I had the girls and grandkids over for cookie decorating. We started out with a bowl of soup to counteract the huge amount of sugar we would be consuming later. We made our mess, ate our cookies, and had our fun. Kenny would have been pleased with that as well.

And so now....it is over....but the Christmas spirit still lingers and that holiday feeling is still in the air. Strange as it may seem, I am finding myself more and more grateful for everything. Overwhelmingly, surprisingly, grateful.....for everything. I have been blessed. Truly.

Back

I haven't written for a long time because....well....not sure. Except that I feel I am doing so well and perhaps the need to write has not been so great.

Two days before Thanksgiving I was invited to a pre-Thanksgiving party here in Carmel Valley. The couple that threw the party are wonderful people and I was happy they reached out and gave me an invite. I went with Bridget as she would meet James there and drive home with him later. It always helps to walk through the door with someone else. Their home was big, but cozy and because they are foodies the fare set out was amazing. Wine was passed to me within minutes and I began the venture into the small crowd of people saying hello to those I knew and introducing myself to those I did not. I was having fun.

I ended up talking a bit with a man named Bill. His wife and Kenny both had the same prognosis about a year ago regarding how long they were expected to live. I had met him before, but this was the first time I had seen him in close to a year. His wife continues on with good days and bad.... Kenny of course met the deadline. Anyway, it was a nice, heartfelt talk we had about some of the things one goes through when living with a spouse you know is dying. And then I sat down with Linda, his wife, who was weak but all dolled up in her black skirt and boots. I took her hand and another very heartfelt conversation took place. I felt a genuine connection with her and I believe she did with me. I am not afraid to talk about things that for some would find uncomfortable and I think she appreciated that.

The night continued with more conversations that went beyond the light chit chat that so often accompanies a party like that. I got to know people and people got to know me. And then the night was over and after being walked to my car I sat down behind the wheel and I knew. Something felt different. Yet not really different, but actually familiar. My spark was back. I felt that the old me, yet maybe a better me, was back. I had felt it coming, but that night was different for me and it has remained so. That doesn't mean I don't shed a tear, or think of Kenny and wish he was here, but I know deep down that my life is good. Not going to be good, but good. Now. And that I am happy, and light, and able to think of others and feel their pain....or joy....or.... yes....I feel like I am back, alive and vibrant and so very glad I am!

A Life Touched

I went out the other night to meet my friend Bridget for a glass of wine before she had dinner with her husband. We met up the road at Carmel Valley Ranch, a golf course and resort type setting where they were having their weekly members night. It is a beautiful place and most often there are familiar faces there. I was glad it would be an early night, just a brief time out as I had been busy and home sounded nice.

As I was putting my jacket on and saying my good-bye after our visit, an older couple walked in that I have known for awhile. I had met them when I worked in a restaurant in Carmel and have kept loosely in touch ever since. They took me out to dinner after Kenny passed away which was very sweet and thoughtful of them and very much appreciated. They are always at Carmel's hot spot every Friday night and tell me to come out anytime, join them for dinner or a drink.... they will be there. They seem to love everyone.....they are those kind of people.

So my jacket came back off and I joined them for what I thought would be a short visit. Their friend Jim came in, a hairdresser in Carmel which I had met before, and then Jim's son Desi and his girlfriend Jessica. And so we were six, standing, sitting, mingling amongst ourselves and talking about all kinds of things. When I was introducing myself to Jessica, the first thing she said was that I looked so familiar to her. "No....sorry...but you don't look familiar to me" I said back but wished I could have said she looked familiar too. So after a lot of chit chat and a hearty invitation to join them all in Mount Shasta for Thanksgiving, I found myself sitting next to Jessica, sharing a caprese salad and telling her about Kenny. And then it clicked for her. She now knew why my face looked so very familiar to her. She told me that she had been in a very bad relationship with a guy for over three years. He battled with depression and she was alway trying to "help". She walked on eggshells and always tried to be upbeat and happy in order to draw him from his funk. One day, she came across the magazine, "65 Degrees", which is a local magazine that had written an article about Kenny and all he was going through. My picture was in it too, so that is where she had seen me before. When she read the article about Kenny, about us, and the kind of love we shared, something in her clicked. She knew that what we had was what she wanted and she needed to move on from this mismatched relationship she had found herself in. "You don't know how many times I read that article" she told me. "I knew I wanted that kind of love too". And so it was the article, the story of Kenny, and the story of our love, that gave her the courage to move on.

We basically closed the place down and I left that evening feeling alive and full. Kenny and I, and the love we had for each other, had touched a life. We had made a difference in someone else....someone young and beautiful and someone who still had her whole life ahead of her. And hopefully sweet Jessica will choose well.... she will find that love she yearns for.....and she will enjoy it every day that it is given to her. I yearned for it.....I found it....and it is still mine.....and however I can, I still enjoy.

Remember

On Saturday Hospice held what they called a "Remembrance Ceremony" for all those who had lost a loved one recently. When I got the invite, I knew it was something I wanted to go to. "Bring a picture of your loved one" the invitation said. So I found one...a favorite...of Kenny and myself. Smiling.... happy....the way we always were.

The ceremony was held at our Hospice center which is tasteful and new and really quite beautiful. I had never been there before as all of Kenny's hospice care was at our home. As I was walking down the corridor to the main meeting room I could feel the lump growing in my throat and I knew that this was going to be a very tearful experience for me. I placed my framed photo amongst the others on the table in the front. I sat quietly among the 25 or so other grieving guests, eyes mildly cast down or looking straight ahead, knowing other hearts were breaking just like mine. Even before things got started I was fighting the tears and grabbing for kleenex. It was what all of this represented...the loss....the overwhelming loss and the need to remember.

It was a simple ceremony. Poems were read. Words of encouragement about cocoons becoming butterflies....scripture readings.....and a candle lighting. On the table next to the photos of loved ones were a couple of trays filled with birdseed and next to them lay a pile of thin tapered candles. One by one people got up to light a candle and place it upright in the tray, speaking the name of their loved one and who they were. I knew I had to....wanted to do it... but I wondered how I could even get the words out. His name.....who he was to me. "Ken Jones....my husband....the love of my life". I did it...I said it....and it didn't matter that there were tears and such. It was ok to cry among these people because they too felt my pain as I did theirs.

I realize that I have my very private times of grieving and I mostly keep that to myself. I am by nature a people pleaser. I want people to feel "comfortable" around me. I want them to be happy. So I smile and laugh, I click my wine glass and say "cheers". I talk about all kinds of things and "yes...I am doing really well...." But I know better. I know that there are days when I am engulfed with the sadness of it all. When I am in the shower sobbing out loud knowing that no one hears. When time after time, through my tears I shout out "I miss you Kenny!" in a house that is so very empty. When I ask God "why......" WHY?

So being at the Remembrance Ceremony was good for me. It was good to be amongst others where grief was ok to display. Where we could cry.... be sad..... and talk about our loved ones and say how much we miss them. The hospice staff are all too familiar with grieving and they are not afraid to draw it out from you. It was refreshing in a strange sort of way. So I left that time, numb,...sad....but somehow....cleansed, or something close to it. I was glad I took the time to go. To spill the tears, to feel the pain, to light the candle.... but so much more than that ....to remember.

Valentine Card

I was cleaning out a cabinet yesterday and found a card that I knew was from Kenny. I know I have lots of cards from him around as he was always so good to give them to me. He even gave me cards at Easter...and Christmas. Sweet.

I hesitated. Did I want to open this card....read it? Kenny always picked mushy cards and wrote his own sentiment which were equally as mushy. I took the card, opened, and read. It was my first Valentine card from him. I met him on January 29th, so we are talking weeks...actually just days, of knowing each other. The card started out, "So Glad I Found You"....and off it went from there. And then Kenny wrote...."Dear Sweet Beautiful Karin, Thank you so much for coming into my life. I am so blessed to have found you, and I already can't imagine my life without you in it......"

Reading that card got me thinking of Kenny's love for me. This man really loved me. I think he knew how much I needed to be loved. He knew I had missed something along life's way and it was like he was trying to make up for it. And then....I think....when he knew he was going to die, he all the more wanted to pour his love into me. He wanted to fill me up.....to give me enough to outweigh the lack....to have something to live on after he was gone.

Life is certainly different than I had planned. When I met Kenny it was almost instantaneous that I felt I had found my home. I was with the one I wanted forever.....and I knew life would be good. And now that the plan has changed, I can say that life is still good. My life is still good. And I still feel loved. Kenny did that for me, and he did it well.

Unexpected

On Saturday I had my son over at the house and took advantage of his technical expertise. What I needed was a new email address that would coincide with my existing one. I tried for a few minutes beforehand but gave up easily as soon as I felt the frustration build. "I'll have Nate do it"....and so I did. While he was getting me set up, I suggested an email address that was very close to my existing one....just my middle initial rather than my whole middle name spelled out was the only difference. Easy. But when he checked, he said there was already an account with that address. Darn! As he was fiddling around, I was looking at my little index card with all my passwords of basically everything and noticed that I did have another email address.....and it was the one I had asked Nate to do. I had totally forgotten that Kenny had set me up....months ago. We typed it in, and yes....there is was. And along with it was the initial "test" email from Kenny. Just simple...just a few words....but they floored me....and brought me to tears....."hello....love you".

And then yesterday I was flicking through the TV stations and landed on the very last 20 minutes or so of Forrest Gump. I haven't watched it for quite some time and forgot how it ended. It was all quite sweet....his son....who was smart....who mimics his father.... and then Jenny....sick....they get married....Forrest takes care of her....she dies....and there he is standing at her grave, talking to her and says through his tears, "I miss you Jenny". I lost it. Again. Tears.

These moments come. Quite often they come and they are almost always unexpected. Of course I expect them. I expect to cry still....to miss him still....to want him back. But I never know just how they will come....I just know that they do....they always do...

"I miss you Kenny....and love you too".

Happy Day

I was looking over some of my old photos and found this one. Our wedding day. It was a very simple wedding. Besides Kenny and I, the only people that came to the event were family members that lived close by. We didn't want to decide which friends to invite and where to draw the line, so we just said "family'. We wanted to keep it small.... and simple. We simply wanted to be married. It was held at a local restaurant that has a lovely setting. We said our vows in the gazebo with family gathered around and then went inside for our dinner reception. Perfect. The day was perfect. We were perfect. He was.... Yes, it was a great day and one that will stand out as one of my happiest days ever.

When I look at old photos of us (which, sadly, are not very old) I have warm feelings come over me. Tears do come, for sure, but I am always filled with a gratefulness for what I had. These are the times and days I want to remember. I do remember. I will always remember.