Conversations

Yesterday ended up being a very nice day. The weather here was absolutely beautiful so Kenny and I decided to go to Bernardus for a late lunch and sit outside. We canceled hospice for that afternoon so we could linger. I rarely have a glass of wine for lunch but it was perfect with the best pizza ever and the beautiful surroundings. My emotional state was quite high and we both seemed really happy and joyous. It seems weird that in the midst of all of that our conversation was about his memorial service and obituary. It really wasn't sad, nor did it feel awkward. It was like most conversations with Kenny...easy.... and even yesterday, enjoyable.

My thoughts go back a couple of weeks ago. Kenny asked me to tell him one thing I would miss about him when he was gone. It didn't take me long to answer because just the day before I had thought of one thing in particular. It was a Monday and we had both gone our separate ways. Kenny went to the Pacheco Club and I went with a local horse trainer to the SPCA to pick out the next horse she would take back to the ranch and get it ready for a new home. It was especially exciting for me since the horse we were looking to pick was possibly going to be mine. Larry packed us in his truck and we drove the 200 green acres looking for the herd. Once we found them, we got out of the truck and they came running. This beautiful group of not long ago abandoned horses with a few colts running by their mother's side. It was a great experience to be there at that moment and I could hardly wait to get home and tell Kenny all about it. That is what I will miss. One thing I will miss. Our conversations. Telling my life, my story, to someone who I know wants to hear. He has told me several times "I could listen to you all day....I love to hear you talk". I never seem to bore him. So the day he asked me that question, my answer was right there, because I had just been thinking about it the day before. I had thought..."what will it feel like to come home after that experience and have no Kenny to share it with". When I told him that one thing, he said "I still want you to share with me, even when I am gone, I will still be with you". So, more than likely, I will speak out, I will hope and believe that somehow, in someway, he hears me. But I will miss that.... I will miss a million things about him, but I will most definitely miss sharing my life on a daily basis with the one I love with all my heart.