Question

Yesterday we were driving to town and things were quiet in the van. Kenny usually doses while we drive so I try to let him have that time to rest. Out of the blue he asked "how many more days do I have to live?". I honestly wasn't sure if he was having a dream and the question came out, but I answered that I didn't know. "How many days do you think you have?" I asked him back. "30".

In all honesty I would be surprised if he even had 30. He labors so much in his breathing and he is tired all the time. I told him in the van yesterday that I am so proud of him....the way he has gone through this difficult time so well. He thanked me and said that means a lot to him because at the beginning of this journey he made the conscious choice to go through this well. He was glad I felt he had. He asked how I was doing.....was I ready....and I told him I am prepared as well as I can be. I have been in the acceptance phase for some time now and even though I may move into denial, or anger, or..... I don't stay there long.....I am back to the place of accepting and remain there for the most part.

We have had a trying morning. Nothing different from the ordinary other than I am finding my patience running thin. I am cheerful on the outside though. I never want Kenny to feel bad. We have been up since 6 and throughout the morning there have been innumerable transfers from bed, to chair, to bathroom, to bed, to chair, to.... and all the while, sweatshirt on, sweatshirt off, sweatshirt on, sweatshirt.....slippers on, slippers off....water, ice tea, water, ice tea.... spoon feed cereal.... get more prunes! And then just now I got him in bed for another nap and he said "Thank you so much for letting my fairytale life continue....our little bit of Tuscany here...." With that, my patience that was running on the thin side is restored to full order. How can I not love this man and cherish whatever days we have left. I want, as much as I possibly can, to make his "fairytale life" continue to the end. Just like Kenny told me yesterday that he wanted to "do this well", I too want that. I want to "do this well" too.