Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Breathe In

This morning around 4 a.m. Kenny had me help him turn over on the bed. He turned so he was facing my side and left me little room to squeeze in and find my place spooned against back to his stomach. But I did. I was wide awake by that time and Kenny was right up against me. I could feel him trying to breathe. It seemed so hard for him. Many times he just didn't breathe at all....just holding his breath. I could feel the tension rise in me....the adrenaline pumping...."I need to keep him breathing"! I know he was sleeping because I woke him up when I asked him if he was ok. This way of breathing is no different than any other time, it was just that he was pressed up against me and I could feel every fitful breath. I told myself last night...."one of these days it will happen...he will stop breathing....and if it is be it....there is nothing I can do". My adrenaline stopped pumping when I had this "talk" to myself, and right about that time Kenny wanted to turn back to his favored position. He turned, I spooned up against him, and we both fell asleep, finally.

We ended up having a nice day yesterday visiting with Ken's two friends from college. Lunch at Stillwater Bar and Grill, sitting over the 18th green of the Pebble Beach Golf course. The weather was absolutely perfect for outdoor dining. It could not have been anymore perfect...except.

I was sad in the afternoon yesterday. The one thing I have been really grateful about regarding Kenny's ALS is that it he does not and will not have problems with speaking or swallowing. But, I was realizing yesterday, that even though he can speak, it is getting more and more difficult to carry on long conversations. He is fuzzy somewhat. Tires easily. I am finding myself "missing" him more and more.

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